Note: What follows is the last, unpublished manuscript by Jayson Blair, fired by the New York Times for multiple offenses. The article was forward to this site by a disgruntled Times' employee who charged that the newspaper is making all their journalists pay for Blair's indiscretions. Therefore, readers are advised to consume this with caution.
JB Mr.Minister, you have requested that I address you as Baghdad Bob. Why
the nickname and not your real name?
BB My Allah inform my words and sweeten my tongue.
JB. I understand. When I was covering the sniper case in Maryland, I prayed
with the young Muslim freedom fighter. But about your name?
BB I curse the name given to me by the American swine who will never
conquer Iraq.
JB I understand. I too have been victimized by the American system. They
gave me a position at the New York Times because they felt guilty.
BB We were talking about my name.
JB Oh yes.
BB I loathe that name but since I was smuggled to Damascus by the French,
I have a different view of things.
JB You get cable in Syria?
BB No, satellite TV. All the late night American and European television
shows have done skits on me. I am still getting offers.
JB Offers?
BB Certainly. The West Wing wanted me to do a guest appearance. But I
really want to do Seinfeld.
JB I think the program is off the air.
BB No matter. Perhaps they will bring it back. Remember, I am quite gifted
in talking about nothing.
JB Bob, I must ask you about your statements during the war. For example,
you said American soldiers would be crushed, their carcasses hung on fig
trees and pelted with camel dung.? Do you have any evidence that it
happened?
BB Well, I have always believed that when something is published in the
NYT, it must true My remarks have been published.
JB I won't argue with your remarks about the NYT. After all, the paper has
published hundreds of my articles. Nonetheless, you have been something of
an icon during the war. People would tune into a news conference just to
see you. How did you remain so cool when the bombs were dropping?
BB Allah be praised. Obviously, my government told me to say certain
things. I didn't want to demoralized the average citizen who would have it
hard enough when we fled the country with all the money.
JB Many of your citizens received an entirely different version from BBC,
CNN, etc.?
BB Ah the truth. Mr. Blair, being so young, you probably have little
experience in rhetoric.
JB Please. It's not too late for me to learn from a master.
BB Our language is rich in metaphor and allusion. Your grammar is linear;
ours is complex. We wrap truth and falsehood together in a rich
metaphorical costume even if it stinks of dead fish.
JB. What do you mean?
BB I mean it is true: Americans have conquered Iraq--for the time being.
We have lived a long time in the Fertile Crescent. Alexander the Great
couldn't conquer our land with armies alone.
JB There is little evidence of armed resistance.
BB Mr. Blair, you have traveled too much in America; I am surprised you
could find your way to Syria. I am not talking about battalions of American
soldiers being killed. Perhaps 10-20 a day. In time your mothers and
fathers become weary of this occupation.
JB Then you will feel vindicated?
BB Let us not exaggerate too much. My language obliges me to wrap
everything in poetry. I call my enemies swine and I toss all infidels on
the dung heap. You are lucky your language is so unambiguous. There is
little room for decoration.
JB The NYT does not print decoration.
BB So I cannot write for your paper?
JB I don't think so. Perhaps the New York Post.
BB Perhaps not. But I have learned from the Americans. I have trademarked
my name: Baghdad Bob. I will begin a comedy routine here in Damascus. I am
studying English and brushing up on my French.
JB What is your routine?
BB It is not very complicated. I open my mouth and people laugh. I am
surprised you are not laughing.
JB This is serious journalism.
BB Anyway, I have a literary agent who will sell my story. The title will
be something like :Camel Dung on the Pages of History.?
JB That probably won't work in the states.
BB Do you have a suggestion?
JB How about ?The Manufactured Truth??
BB I don't understand.
JB Well, it means the truth can be invented. It is not always so obvious.
BB I will talk to my agent.
JB I must ask about the whereabouts of Saddam Hussein. Is he alive?
BB Yes, he's alive in Damascus with many billion American dollars. He's
building a palace.
JB Are you in contact with him?
BB He has no need of an Information Minister at this time.
JB He considers himself in exile?
BB Of course. Already he is subsidizing armed forces from Syria and Iran
to destabilize Iraq. He is a very patient man.
JB Why do you tell the NYT of his plans?
BB What is the American expression, Dog eat dog? The value of my
manuscript will increase when you write this.
JB But why should I? You could be talking in metaphors and telling me
stories.
BB Mr. Blair, do you want the truth or a good story?
JB Can you arrange for me to meet with Saddam?
BB I love American expressions. You wash my back and I'll wash yours.
JB When it rains it pours.
BB That's strange language for a desert fox to hear.
JB Look at it this way. With one camel you have a little dung but with
many camels you have a lot.
BB You are getting the hang of the language. We'll see about Saddam after
this story is published. I will tell him your are a smart fellow and have
an appreciation for the Iraqi language. He gets the NYT everyday and is
grateful for their support in the past.
JB Everything I learned I learned at the NYT. But I have to be careful
about propaganda.
BB Like this conversation. How do you know I am telling you the truth and
not camel-dunging you?
JB As a reported I know something about camel-dunging. I am trained to
look into someone's eyes and confirm the truth.
BB Then you must be a very gifted man. To someone with such abilities in
Iraq we would say: do not let the camel sleep too often under your roof?
JB Is this about dung?
BB No, it's about no squandering the talents Allah has blessed us with.
JB Thanks. I will remember that. Now, before we close, may I ask your
opinion of President Bush?
BB I called your President a weasel, Trojan Horse, Alexander the Dwarf
and, of course, camel dung.
JB That's quite a mouthful. Did you mean it?
BB At first but then the Texan really kicked butt as you Americans say.
JB But don't you agree with France that this was a illegal invasion?
BB What do the French know? They haven't won a war since Napoleon. Arabs
respect power.
JB But the French love Iraq.
BB That was yesterday.
JB Most of the world opposed the war.
BB Do you think Mexico is a big market for Baghdad Bob?
JB You sound like the Information Minister again.
BB Who can tell. You sound like the NYT. After all, aren't we doing this
interview to advance our careers?
JB Of course, but good reporting comes first.
BB Perhaps one day you will write a book.
JB Not likely. In the states you have to do something really stupid to get
the public's attention.
BB Then I must thank you even more for traveling to Damascus to meet me.
JB My pleasure sir. The NYT insist we be close to our subject. I couldn't
have invented this interview if I tried.
BB Of course not. That's my business.
JB And will I ever meet Saddam?
BB In your dreams Mr. Blair. In your dreams.
JB That is where all good stories begin.
BB Me too.
JB Thank you very much.
BB And thank you for coming so far.
JB Actually, Damascus doesn't seem so far from my watering holes in New
York.
BB Do they have camels there?
JB No sir, just a huge amount of dung.
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