The US government announced that WMDs have been found and verified--in Saddam Hussein's hair (and in his sinus cavities, under his nails and in his ear wax). James Twain, medical researcher at Bethesda Naval Hospital--where Saddam's DNA was checked--reports that excessive traces of Sarin gas were found in the dictator's hair (After Saddam was captured his hair and toenails were cut, his blood was drawn, and urine and stool samples were taken at gunpoint. All speciments for sent to Bethesda for analysis. The full medical report will be published in the September 2004 New England Journal of Medicine).
Twain, with a coerced consent degree, subjected Saddam's blood to a battery of tests. He found that Hussein was generally healthy except for an elevated PSA (protein specific antigen) level of 9.3, a strong indication that the man has prostate cancer. The Bethesday researcher is trying to get permission to do a biopsy on Saddam but the government ruled that would be cruel and unusual punishment. Twan thinks Saddam would be a great poster boy for prostate cancer. The International Red Cross accuses the Bush administration of withholding medical care to reduce the sympathy vote for Saddam.
On examing Saddam's brain scan Twain noticed large holes in the man's brain, consistent with the human version of mad cow disease. Saddam's US interrogators report that he is often incoherent, forgetting words and events, dropping phrases and sentences, and speking an Iraqi version of pig Latin. They also report that Saddam stumbles aimlessly around his cell, frequently falling down. displaying antics very similar to those of a downer cow. For Twain that is evidence enough of mad cow disease.
Twain has written to Attorney General Ashcroft suggesting that these findings call for renewed security and vigilance. "It is relatively easy for a terrorist to bring in Sarin in his hair, sinus, or ears or under his perfectly manicured nails. He could jump into an upstate New York reservoir and kill or injure hundreds of thousands of New Yorkers downstream. I strongly recommend that every body cavity of suspect persons, especially Muslims, be examined at US checkpoints, using dogs if necessary.
"I also recommend we screen for mad cow disease by asking those entering the country to diagram a compound-complex sentence, the customary medical test for mad cow. It would be disastrous if these persons would mix and fratenize with our large herds out West. The industry would be decimated and the population exposed to extreme risk. We know that in the Middle East many men live in close proximity to animals and subsequently, deformities abound. We simple cannot take the risk of a loose cannon among our prized herds.
"The real danger, in my opinion, is that the WMDs have entered Iraq's gene pool and we won't know for generations the full effect. Given the right set of circumstances, the place could literally blow up. I strongly recommend that the government intern the entire country behind barb wire, with International Red Cross oversight, until we have a better understanding of this ticking time bomb.
"We must be very careful that US forces do not fratenize with the locals as they could father another WMD. The good news is that we have finally located the WMDs--they are everywhere.
"The bad news is that Saddam had hundreds of wives. His kids could be in our face for a long time."
Posted by Chuck at May 27, 2004 02:26 PM | TrackBack