Note: Documents found at the Ahem-Ahem-Ahem Place in the northeast section
of Baghdad revealed the following pre-war account of American military
readiness. It was prepared by Iraqi intelligence chief, Saddam Aham Kabish,
and translated by the Pentagon. The text, appearing in the form of direct
address to Saddam Hussein, is considered a rough transliteration and not a
translation. Therefore, it is subject to error. This site will update the
text as new information becomes available.
Your Excellency:
We will throw the infidels into the Red Sea!
You asked that we provide an account of the American military. We have
consulted experts from across the Arab world and from France (Chirac has
suggested an Iraq Maginot Line, which we will consider). We have also
peered deeply into the cultural icons of the Americans. This is where their
secrets and their vulnerabilities lie. They love pop culture. Every Marine
has a television so he can watch Oprah daily.
We have spies in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania who clean toilets at the Carlisle
War College nearby. They have provided excellent intelligence. They suggest
we pay strict attention to the reading and viewing habits of the top
military brass. The list includes Catch-22, Hogan?s Heroes, MASH, Gomer
Pyle, The Dirty Dozen, Walk the Dog and other Yankee favorites.
You can be certain Your Excellency that the Americans still suffer from
their humiliating defeat in Vietnam. In the US war veterans are ignored and
assaulted with pullet eggs when they go into public view in their
wheelchairs. Your Highness we don?t think the American experience in
Afghanistan has flattened the dirty shadow of Vietnam. After all, the
Afghans are uncivilized, tribal nation that lives in caves. We have a
massive, well-equipped army and a desert that will swallow their American
tanks and parch their troops.
Dear Elevated One we were particularly interested in the war bible,
Catch-22, which was in every toilet at the Carlisle War College. This text
demonstrates how unprepared Americans are for battle. The officer ranks are
headed by a Major Major Major who schedules meetings when he?s out,
thoroughly fracturing the chain of command. This man is always hiding,
climbing out of windows, doing everything he can to avoid battle. He is a
disgrace to his uniform. We think he uses disguises.
Another Officer, Milo Minderbinder, who is probably Jewish, makes profit
from selling his own military equipment back to the government. He
speculates on the stock market before a country is invaded. He has his eye
on Egyptian cotton, which is something we should share with President
Mubarek.I am sure Minderbinder?s next target will be Iraqi oil. We should
make sure our Information Minister recommends to the western press that it
read Catch-22 for an accurate understanding of American intentions.
This text does support our conviction that Americans are cowards. A senior
officer Yossarian does everything he can to stop flying (so don?t worry
about any punishing air campaign). We are sorry to report that Yossarian is
Syrian, so he must have lived with the Americans too long and gotten soft.
He is not so smart either. The last glimpse we have of this man is that he
is paddling from Italy to Brooklyn on a raft. How unprepared these
Americans are. They don?t have a clue about the elements. Americans have as
much chance of conquering Iraq as Yossarian of getting home.
We were especially disgusted to learn of the soldier-in-white who is forced
to drink his own urine. The Yankees must not be as rich as we think because
even though in ?The Longest Day? a German tank commander found a fresh
chocolate cake and figured he had lost the war. Anyway, if this is how
America feeds its soldiers, the military couldn?t be very strong. At least
we won?t have to worry about attacking their skimpy supply lines. Our guess
is that after a few days American soldiers will surrender for a liter of
Babylon spring water.
We spent hundreds of hours watching Hogan?s Heroes and MASH. How the
Americans ever won World War II with such clowns and buffoons is a mystery
to us. We could tell right away that Hogan was a homosexual and therefore
forever dismissed under heaven. We predict that Hogan will be bludgeoned to
death in a Nevada brothel by men who are repulsed by his behavior. We think
that UN Inspector Blink must be familiar with this war documentary because
Blink looks and sounds like the German Colonel Klink who is always fooled
by Hogan. However, Blink must have been a little drunk during the
instruction because he seems to have missed some great advice on where to
hide Weapons of Mass Destruction. We recommend that our Minister of
Information leak to the German press that Hogan?s Heroes is really a
monumental defamation of German culture and intelligence. And when Blink
and his inspectors return, we should be sure the television in his room
shows reruns of your speeches and not Hogan?s Heroes which could give Blink
an idea.
MASH was no more impressive. The officer clowns show no respect for
authority and constantly make fun of Major Burns who is the only one who
follows military etiquette. They actually manufacture gin in their barracks
and operate on the wounded after drinking all night. It is no wonder these
infidels are still bogged down in Korea. The Americans couldn?t fight their
way out of an Iraqi bazaar. Their leader, a man named Hawkeye, is more of a
sparrow than a fierce bird-of-prey. He is also soft and weak, tending to
wounded North Korean soldiers as if they are Americans. He even believed
one GI who thought he was Christ. This is the American?s Achilles? heel.
They don?t like blood, death, or the wounded. If they ever attack Iraq, we
recommend leaving our wounded for the Americans to take care of, a great
delaying tactic. Americans seem to be caught up in the Christian religion
which says you can?t kill someone or take his wife, which is an idea very
foreign to us in the Middle East. In a public relations contest, we think
the Prophet is much stronger than their Christ.
And please don?t worry about the Marines who will probably have a hard time
finding Iraq in the first place. We studied the training tactics of Gomer
Pyle and he wouldn?t last five minutes against one of our Elite Republican
Guards. Pyle has difficulty putting one foot in front of the other. At
times, he breaks into song then comes on television selling the CDs. This
seems very unmilitary and commercial. Pyle prefers cold weather, Christmas
songs which suggests to our intelligence team that Americans would prefer
to invade Iraq in their winter, say December or January. If this is true,
then we will have little to worry about. And when it gets hot, America will
never come. Americans are all fat and we all know fat people needs more
fluid which will cause the convoys to move slower and the supply lines to
be more burdensome. We know on good authority than the American military is
very picky about hygiene, refusing to advance until running water and flush
toilets are available. If Americans do come through the south, we will
simply cut off the water in Basra and sit in Baghdad and watch them rot
from the inside.
Please keep in mind that American soldiers are crooks and looters. In ?The
Dirty Dozen? these man left the battle and stole gold from a bank.We should
make sure there is nothing left for them to steal. American are also
dishonest. One of the Dirty Dozen named Kojak later became famous planting
weapons at murder scenes in New York. We have learned from our spies that
Americans will have with them Weapons of Mass Destruction which they will
plant in places throughout Iraq. Then they will call Blink. We must be sure
to remind the world through our information minister than Kojak is advising
the American military which plans to plant weapons in Iraq before they
steal our oil and plunder our mosques.
Americans are small-minded and prefer small targets such as Grenada, Haiti,
and the Panama Canal. Usually, they invade small countries right before an
election. This strategy is carefully examined in the training film, ?Walk
the Dog.? The infidels start wars to shift attention from problems at home.
Remember Your Excellency that every time Clinton had an affair, he would
send cruise missiles into Baghdad, the cradle of civilization. It Clinton
had been an honorable man like you, we would have suffered much less. But
Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld are too old and too ugly to have affairs, so
they won?t walk the dog. The only dog Bush will walk is Blair, his British
poodle.
We have learned from National Geographic that only 14% of Americans know
where Iraq is and these are anti-war protesters. If Americans were to
invade, they are just as likely to attack Syria, Iran or Saudi Arabia.
Fortunately for us, Americans think all Arabs look alike. But if they do
come, we will have no trouble finding the enemy. According to our source
(Congressman Charlie Rangoon), all American soldiers are black conscripts,
who are forced to fight at the point of a gun. Their hero is Cassius Clay,
himself a Muslim who has refused to fight and has been sent to jail. Our
intelligence team recommends that we begin preparing for mass surrenders.
Americans simply have no stomach for this fight. They are still crying in
their Vietnam soup.
Your Excellency, there is no need to change your schedule or routine. The
Americans have as much chance of finding you as finding a sterile camel on
a moonless night in a sandstorm in one of our vast uncharted deserts.
SAK