The US government announced that WMDs have been found and verified--in Saddam Hussein's hair (and in his sinus cavities, under his nails and in his ear wax). James Twain, medical researcher at Bethesda Naval Hospital--where Saddam's DNA was checked--reports that excessive traces of Sarin gas were found in the dictator's hair (After Saddam was captured his hair and toenails were cut, his blood was drawn, and urine and stool samples were taken at gunpoint. All speciments for sent to Bethesda for analysis. The full medical report will be published in the September 2004 New England Journal of Medicine).
Twain, with a coerced consent degree, subjected Saddam's blood to a battery of tests. He found that Hussein was generally healthy except for an elevated PSA (protein specific antigen) level of 9.3, a strong indication that the man has prostate cancer. The Bethesday researcher is trying to get permission to do a biopsy on Saddam but the government ruled that would be cruel and unusual punishment. Twan thinks Saddam would be a great poster boy for prostate cancer. The International Red Cross accuses the Bush administration of withholding medical care to reduce the sympathy vote for Saddam.
On examing Saddam's brain scan Twain noticed large holes in the man's brain, consistent with the human version of mad cow disease. Saddam's US interrogators report that he is often incoherent, forgetting words and events, dropping phrases and sentences, and speking an Iraqi version of pig Latin. They also report that Saddam stumbles aimlessly around his cell, frequently falling down. displaying antics very similar to those of a downer cow. For Twain that is evidence enough of mad cow disease.
Twain has written to Attorney General Ashcroft suggesting that these findings call for renewed security and vigilance. "It is relatively easy for a terrorist to bring in Sarin in his hair, sinus, or ears or under his perfectly manicured nails. He could jump into an upstate New York reservoir and kill or injure hundreds of thousands of New Yorkers downstream. I strongly recommend that every body cavity of suspect persons, especially Muslims, be examined at US checkpoints, using dogs if necessary.
"I also recommend we screen for mad cow disease by asking those entering the country to diagram a compound-complex sentence, the customary medical test for mad cow. It would be disastrous if these persons would mix and fratenize with our large herds out West. The industry would be decimated and the population exposed to extreme risk. We know that in the Middle East many men live in close proximity to animals and subsequently, deformities abound. We simple cannot take the risk of a loose cannon among our prized herds.
"The real danger, in my opinion, is that the WMDs have entered Iraq's gene pool and we won't know for generations the full effect. Given the right set of circumstances, the place could literally blow up. I strongly recommend that the government intern the entire country behind barb wire, with International Red Cross oversight, until we have a better understanding of this ticking time bomb.
"We must be very careful that US forces do not fratenize with the locals as they could father another WMD. The good news is that we have finally located the WMDs--they are everywhere.
"The bad news is that Saddam had hundreds of wives. His kids could be in our face for a long time."
The Committee to Re-Elect President Bush has been quietly making donations to Catholic churches, primarily in the so-called "swing" states. These donations are purportedly aimed at getting out the vote in November. The Committee states that the "donations are perfectly legal and have no strings attached." The Detroit Free Press, however, found evidence to the contrary.
Of the $3.5 million dollars already distributed in Detroit, Flint, and other Michigan cities, almost 93% of the monies appear to have strings attached. Our Lady of the Rosary in Detroit received $215,000 to educate its parishioners about the politican issues of tjhe day including abortion, stem cell research, birth control, pre-marital sex, just wars, and the practical ramifications of original sin. The Free Press reports that Father Finn, the parish priest, was given taking points for his Sunday sermons. He was told to remind parishioners
that embracing political positions that are anathema to the Church could mean excommunication. The talking points included the suggestion that, prior to offering Communion to the faithful, Father Finn should ask the individual if he or she is in a state of grace, refusing the sacrament to anyone the least bit suspicious. Such behavior includes dressing like a Democrat and sporting long hair.
The priest is advised to equate the Republican political stance as closer to Godliness than the Democrat's. He is advised to urge his flock to vote Republican because that party embraces most of Pope John Paul's dictates.
The Free Press found evidence that the Committee will give a "voter bounty" for anyone who, under sacred oath, promises to vote for Bush. Conversely, it will also pay a bounty if Democrats stay home.
The paper also learned that the Committee agreed to underwrite the cost of funding the gift of a plenary indulgence for Catholics who convince others to vote Republican. As in the Middles Ages, a plenary indulgence is a payment for prayers that might get a loved one out of Purgatory. The Catholic in question can assign the indulgence to deceased loved ones or the living in need of a boost--such as a daughter taking the SATs. The faithful can assign or resell the indulgence as he or she sees fit. This includes using the net value of the indulgence as a token during a bingo game. The Commttee has worked out a deal with most major airlines so that the indulgences can be added to Mileage Programs for free flights.
Indulgences can be bought and sold like baseball cards. eBay is already in the business of selling indulgences. Father Finn says he's never seen such a great fund raiser and hopes to franchise the business. With some seed money from the Committee, Father Finn has set up a transaction site for indulgence sales.
See plenaryindulgence.com. The Future's Market will come later.
The Catholic Confererence of Bishops has promulgated a new set of guidelines regarding consequences for certain political behavior. A Colorado Springs bishop has said Catholics who support abortion rights should not receive communion. The Conference of Bishops decided to build on the Colorado policy by defining more specifically what a Catholic can and cannot do. What follows is a summary of the Canon Pontificus:
Principato Uno: Catholics must not vote for candidates who support abortion, stem cell research, pre-martial sex, out-of-wedlock weddings, blasphemy, intra-religious and intra-racial marriages, pedophilia, meat-on-Fridays, impure thoughts, condom use (even for HIV-AIDS), and mendacity of all kinds.
Principata Secundo: The Church leaves it up to the conscience of the faithful whether he or she wants to vote for politicians who support war, the arms race, the death penalty, inequtible laws, and financial policies that place power, money and influence in the hands of a few.
Doctrinato Ex Cathedra: The Holy See is emphatic about the faithful's obligation to follow in fact and in spirit the details in Principato Uno. The Catholic faithful should consider these words as received doctrine and equivalent to Canon Law. Therefore, anyone who disobeys these doctrines places himself or herself outside of the comfort of Holy Mother the Church.
Caveat Emptor: Every parish is instructed to read this doctrine to the faithful and mail a copy to the faithful's homes in the form of an affifidavit. The faithful will sign this document stating they are fully aware of Canon Pontificus and will abide by its terms, under threat of ex-communication. The faithful will inform the local prelate (in the Confessional) in advance of voting what his intention are. His prelate is empowered to deny the faithful absolution if he plans to vote in a manner deleterious to Mother Church. In short, if the faithful consciously and willfully disregards the infallible, God-given wisdon of the Church, She cannot be responsible for the salvation of the faithful's soul.
Canon Pontificus is the Church's response to the moral relativism that is sweeping the Western world, especially Europe and America. The Holy See reminds the faithful there is such a thing as absolute evil and it is the Church's intention to protect its Flock from these mortal dangers. In the name of Christ the Clergy will not be a passive witness to His Blessed Church rotting from the outside in.
The Naming, a little known Flordia-based arm of the Committee to Reelect the President, is deeply concerned about language. Staffed by out-of-work professors, semanticists, and linguists, The Naming's task is to bring Presidential language, phrases and terms into popular discourse. For example, when Bush said during a 2000 debate that Christ had the most influence on Mr. Bush's intellectual development, within days every Southern Baptist Church (including the Reformed) were selling T-shirts sporting images of Rodin's The Thinker emblazoned with the slogan "Christ-like." The T-shirts were also offered on more than 500 church web sites.
When President Bush deflected a question about Iraq, saying "We know what we're doing. We're not ad hocing around." The Naming immediately began a campaign to have " ad hoc" accepted as an active verb by the Grammar Society of America. The Naming asked Republicans everywhere to use ad hoc as a verb so the Oxford English Dictionary would have to include it in the next edition. The Republican National Committee donated $100,000 to the cash-strapped Modern Language Association so it would devote it's entire annual conference to the controversy surround "ad hoc." Britney Spears has introduced the phrase to a younger audience by saying that, "despite the video, I definitely did not ad hoc him."
The Naming has suggested to the president that Americans need to feel emotionally closer to Iraq, especially with the current turmoil. One suggestion is that new Republican parents name their children after Iraqi cities, including Basra, Falluja, and Tikrit. The academics suggest that Iraq still seems like a foreign country to most Americans. Moreover, the people living there do not speak English. One way to make the war effort more palatible is to name children after the cities. Who could oppose the war when beautiful Tikrit is staring at you with her big blue eyes? The Republican National Committee is not pleased that some parents have named their children Sarin or Sareen because it sounds so gracious. The academics reminded the politicans that such confusion is inevitable because the word is not the thing.
Not all of The Naming's suggestions have met with approval. The Naming suggested that a Republican adopt every dead Iraqi and provide financial support to the family. In return the family would have to give the deceased a Christian name and baptize him or her in absentia. In other word the deceased would become a Christian and the family would be well-paid in return. The academics argued that given all the death in Iraq, in a few years Iraq would be a Christian nation and a democratic vote would be assured.
The administration liked the idea in principle but didn't want to undercut the very fine faith-based work Amerian military men and women are already doing in Iraq.
As one administration source noted, "This is not Chicago in the 1960s when the dead showed up to vote. We are not interested in buying votes. The president is convinced that the righteous in Iraq will be left standing."
The Naming advised Republicans that the source didn't mean the Democratic Left would be left standing. It also advised that ad hoc had been accepted by the Grammarians as an active verb and therefore couldn't by definition be the name of a child. The academics also pointed out that dove was a verb so it couldn't be a bird and that the phrase"turning into driveway" was ridiculous. But dove could also be a child's name and thousands of children will be released by the ad hocing delegates during the Republican National Convention in New York. The Christ-like children will fly past the absent 9/11 towers while the delegates roll the world in a terror ball aided by the cool, sure language of The Naming.
According to the Pentagon at least thirty investigations regarding the torturing of Iraqi prisoners at El Sunda-Rai prison are underway. The official response from the White House, the Pentagon, and the Republican party is that the offenses were committed by a few bad apples from New York and West Virginia. Senator Byrd of West Virgina has already complained about Late Night anal jokes that bring Deliverance to the shores of the Tigris. Both New York and Washington states have complained about the "bad apple" analogy, citing sales figures that show fewer people are eating apples from their states. Delaware's Senator Biden suggested that the heavy protein diet served the military might be making members more aggressive and prone to unmilitary action. Others have suggested that, unlike other war zones where sex was always camped close to the front lines, such is not the case in Iraq. Accordingly, soldiers have to compensate.
That is the view of Psychologist Rector Sleigh (pronounced slay) who is Professor of Psychology at Hobbs Ferry University in Macon, Georgia. Sleigh readily admits there has been murder and brutality in the prison. He adds, "However, the majority of the abuse cases are not abuse in the classical sense. Certainly this is not the abuse normally found in a theater of war where rape, murder, and mutilation were the norm. Here we have something different. The infamous photo of the naked Iraqi soldiers piled high has inflamed passions around the world, especially the Islamic world. This is understandable as the naked body is not exhibited in public. But if you look closely at this pile of anatomy, it reminds one of a Rennaissance painting because it has focus, balance, and modalities of meaning. We are not witnessing a carnal lump of flesh. We see men who have been entwined in a delicate, artistic way. The bodies are placed according to coloration of skin, dark to light, suggesting the range of human existence. You'll notice that the various arms and legs look like they form a kind of imperfect questionmark, as if the participants are asking questions too."
"I think too much has been made of the dark side of these images. I see an attempt--however crude--to make art inside a dark prison within a dark hole of war. I don't know if there is a medal for artistic creation under fire. If so, they should receive it. I think the reason the Bush Administration is so upset--other than a billion Muslims are inflamed--is that the administration is comfortable neither with art, sex, or its body. The initial outrage is a projection of its own sexual inadequacies. That America, the world's leading consumer of pornography, is offended by these images is a joke and a fitting coda to an absurd war."
"If the soliders don't have a future in the military, the university will be glad to receive them."