Better British Bums

Better British Bums

British history has been blessed with a long line of splendid and pampered 
bumsposteriors, not vagrants. To be sure a certain etymological confusion 
sometimes creates havoc with language, such as in the infamous "bum's rush" 
which in polite society means being shown the exit rather than the way in.

The tendency to get "bummed out" about bums is a very recent development, 
another casualty of political correctness. This was not always the case, 
however. Indeed, literature is replete with rich metaphor extolling the 
virtues of the very misunderstood British posterior.

In his famous speech to Othello about Desdemona Iago asks "How can Saturn's 
night be reflected in a blooms so white, how can Hades blight be shadowed 
by moons so bright." William Wordsworth, the father of the Romantic 
Movement, wrote that his cousin's behind was the "perfect silk satchel that 
followed manners and desire." Oscar Wilde, a little sharper in tone,  wrote 
that  "Even fairer than breasts behinds begin and end my vagabond days." A 
martyr for the cause, Wilde was put in jail for such language.

In poetry, prose and practice the British bottom has always been considered 
a priceless appendage.  And even in the 21st century none of this 
historical luster has been lost. Recent research has shown that the British 
spend more on toilet paper than any other country in the European Union. 
This fact is reflected in the very successful Kimberly-Clark advertising 
campaign, appearing on television, buses and the underground, that boldly 
proclaims "British bums deserve the best." And they apparently get just that.

The British pay twice as much as the German and the French, and nearly 
three times as much as Americans for the standard four-pack roll. Rarely 
fussy about food, the British are very fussy about toilet paper, demanding 
softer and more textured paper than their continental cousins. Toilet paper 
in the UK is longer, wider, and heavier than what's sold in the rest of 
Europe.  There is scant evidence this discrepancy is tied to physiology 
rather than taste.

Research by Kimberly-Clarke suggests that an acute interest in bathroom 
style is driving this trend. A family might live in a very modest home but 
spares no expense in decorating the bathroom, with purple being the odd-on 
favorite color. In all consumers are offered fifty different colors ranging 
from hedgehog brown to prickly pear pink. The very English expression that 
a "man's home is his castle" has given way to the belief that a "colored 
bathroom is the best measure of national mood."

Every positive national trend  has the potential of producing certain 
ribald offshoots, such as spanking. After tea drinking and soccer riots, 
spanking is the most popular British pastime freely advertised in all phone 
boxes throughout the nation. Essex sociologist J. Poole Little sees no 
deviancy. Rather, he notes, "spanking is a passionate interest in the very 
seat of lust, power and decay. There is a psychological sophistication at 
work here."

 From the time the Wife of Bath threatened to shows her ample and angelic 
English rump to the Canterbury pilgrims, the British bottom  has been at 
the heart of the nation's growth, expansion, and prosperity. If toilet 
paper sales are any indication, the country has little to worry about.