Prison Drawers

Prison Drawers

Juan "The Hammer" Chichester, chief warden for Marioposa, Arizona state 
prisoner, does not tolerate unsociable behavior, whether it is exaggerated 
belching after prison fare called "shit-on-a-shingle" or murdering a 
bunkmate who snores while his roommate is watching cartoons. Both offenses 
receive similar punishments. Say Chichester, "We live in a democracy and 
that means being held responsible for even the slightest infraction."

The punishment, which has generated intense criticism from the ACLU and the 
SPCA, consists of wearing a complete cow hide, empty head included, donated 
by a local slaughterhouse for a period based on the warden's reading of 
astrology charts and the outcome of his bi-weekly alchemical experiments. 
"God help the prisoners when I'm playing around with sulfur," he jokes.

As an ex-marine, the warden is a firm believer in shocking his prisoners 
straight. To get this message across to some of the most hardened criminals 
in the system, Chichester requires that all offenders witness the slaughter 
of cows and even insists the men actually mimic the bleating and death 
rattles of the dying animals. Defecation and body spasms are optional and 
not frowned on in the prison code.

On prodding by prison officials, the slaughterhouse experimented with 
killing cows in a make-shift electric chair. Cows seemed very upset by this 
change of venue and did not relax when the animal veterinarian turned 
preacher read from the Sermon on the Mount to soothe the savage beast, as 
he put it.

Prisoners, who were attached to monitors by which officials could measure 
heart and pulse rates, seemed unmoved by the experiment, as if they were 
watching another episode of Hogan's Heroes. On the other hand, the long 
metal shaft that is shot into the cow's brain with an air hammer had a 
pronounced effect on heart and pulse rates. This level of excitement 
remained fairly constant through the first  1,317 slaughters and then 
tended to drop off, with the prisoners getting a little bored. Some 
prisoners even cheered for the slaughterhouse crew, inventing various 
cheers and moves they might employ at a football game.

Undaunted, Chichester devised a way to deliver electric shocks to any 
prisoner whose vital signs suggested he was enjoying, rather than learning 
acceptable social behavior, from the procedure. To further drive home this 
ethical message prisoners were required to watch snuff videos of models in 
high heels crushing to death rats and mice.

Prisoners are much quieter now. Almost everyone spends an inordinate amount 
of time in front of the mirror perfecting a pathetic bovine, hang-dog look. 
Even the most violent inmates are taking cow and animals husbandry courses 
with plans to open dairies in the Bronx, Watts, and Chapel Hill when they 
get out.

Chichester brushed aside complaints from the ACLU and the SPCA. "My program 
has eliminated egregious farting and killing," he said at a recent press 
conference. So impressed with the cow theme, he has taken the program into 
the general prison population. All prisoners are required to wear pink 
underwear with "moo" written large above the delicate lace trim. Newcomers 
objected fiercely until they saw large muscled members of The Bloods 
lifting weights in this underwear. So fashionable has cow attire become 
that inmates insist on dressing in cow hides to greet visitors.

Other signs of conversion are more subtle. Inmates have taken to drinking 
large quantities of milk and are getting rather fat. They tend to graze, 
rather than walk, in the prison yard. The men are developing breasts and 
have requested pink bras. Some even want to follow the "path of the cow" to 
the slaughterhouse. Prison officials are baffled, reluctant to encourage 
voluntary executions.  "This is not normal," says the warden. "It's my 
responsibility to make life and death decisions." Nonetheless, prisoners 
insist it is their right.


Local dairy farmers support the inmates because milk consumption has 
soared. Gucci has already announced a line of prison underwear, with half 
the proceeds going to the victims. Benetton has committed $1 billion to a 
worldwide advertising campaign comparing the prisoners" willingness to die 
"for their sins and the sins of others" to the Passion of Christ. Christian 
churches worldwide are in an uproar over this blasphemy. Sears announced it 
will no longer carry Benetton produce but the slack is expected to be taken 
up by immigrant street vendors in New York City.

State governments nationwide are paying close attention to Chichester's 
experiment. One recommendation from Texas is that all new prisons be built 
next to slaughterhouses. Or slaughterhouses be built next to prisons.

As the warden said on national television, "Same difference."