More Gore

More Gore

Al Gore has been getting flack because he tends to exaggerate his
accomplishments. For example, he claimed he invented the Internet, was the
main inspiration for Love Story, and translated the Gospels of Matthew and
Mark from the original Greek to the Latin Vulgate in a weekend (Tipper
kept the kids out of the house).

Gore has also been getting flack because he says stupid things, such as
referring to Michael Jordan as Michael Jackson, confusing portraits of
Thomas Jefferson and George Washington, and arguing that Mount Baker
is actually higher than Mount McKinley.

More recently Gore has been criticized for bringing on  Naomi Wolf,
author of Promiscuities, as an advisor. Wolf has written about exploring the
shadow slut within in an effort to find our authentic identity. Nothing is off
limits, she has said, no food, drink or behavior.

So she intends to help Gore find himself. Thus the new suit, the pink shirt,
and a masculine Fendi handbag. To make Gore more of a  man’s man, Wolf
has encouraged him to eat barbecue chicken with his hands and wipe them
under the armpits of his suit, so no one will notice. Her influence was
obvious in Charlotte, NC recently when he was almost drowned out by a
chorus of senior citizens. He cried Wolf.

The noted psychologist Dr. Z, Meadow Lark suggests Gore’s “penchant for
acting stupid has more to do with what he is not saying than what he is
saying. In other words he could be hiding something.”

There have been unconfirmed reports that for years Gore was getting
weekly shipments of prime British beef, even during the so-called mad cow
scare. He was certainly looking very beefy until Wolf put him on a strict
Atkin’s diet. And he has seemed a little wobbly on the platform of late.

Not long ago Tribal Customs, a magazines dealing with Laotian mountain
tribesmen, suggested Gore, on R&R from Vietnam, attended a feast in
which human remains might have been served up in oxen musk soup.

Dr. Z. Meadow Lark suggests that, if Gore did partake of this feast, the
effects could take 20-30 years to register. Of course, a heavy consumption
of British beef could serve as a catalyst.”

In the interest of national security Dr. Lark suggests citizens be on the
lookout for the following Gore traits

·        Incessant use of “I”

·        Eagerness to spend someone else’s money

·        Incessant use of “me”

·        References to mystic Meister Eckhart

·        Greasy armpits

·        Using Quayle as a debate coach

·        Excessive use of “mine”

·        Spending too much time on dairy farms

·        Reading Swift’s “A Modest Proposal”

·        Late night visits to Laotian restaurants

To lose one’s mind is a terrible thing.