At an Italian Carnival Cows with Hides that look like the Balkans willingly enter a Slaughterhouse Ark where Doves are too fat to fly

Italy might not lead the world anymore in the production of bicycles,
winged-tipped shoes and political scandals. But this nation is still to be
reckoned with for its skill and audacity in offering a wide range of
pre-Lenten carnivals.

While the big San Remo Carnival, considered one of this country's great
vulgarathons, gets national attention, it is the Viareggio Carnival that
captures the wit and absurdities of modern life better than the gladiators
who did their deadly dance in the Coliseum mosh pits under another
administration.

This year the Viareggio Carnival consisted of giant paper-mache floats that
captured Big Ideas in appropriate satirical dress. The organizers spared no
one. In fact, in 2000 the Carnival turned away from the too-obvious and much
too plentiful Roman senators stuffing their jowls with lire. Rather the
Carnival seemed to hold a mirror up to the fallen Adam and Eve. The human
race was the bad guy this year.

One float, ironically named "Peace," was populated by maimed children,
victims of mines, flown in by concerned US Navy fliers who wanted to make
amends In Italy after accidentally killing dozens of people in a gondola
shoot-out.

Another float tagged "South Calling North" forced Italians to reflect on
their national divisions. A fat Northerner, holding close to his chest a
basket of riches-prosciutto, salami, cheeses and sparkling wine-ordered his
dark-skinned neighbors to the South to exchange German marks for a small
ration of brown bread and a sack full of plenary indulgences.

The float that caused the greatest stir addressed the fear associated with
Frankenstein Food-genetically modified forms. A large hen, fed
dioxin-contaminated feed courtesy of Belgium, gives birth to mutants that,
when prodded by onlookers, take on the look of bureaucrats from the European
Unions.

By all accounts, however, Viareggio was a Mad Cow Caper on a large scale.
The Cannibalism float showed a mechanical cow with perfectly shaped udders
eating the brains and spinal column of another cow in a mock meadow. When
the meal was completed, the cannibalized cow fell to the ground and what
remained was eaten by humans and very real rats.

A related float showed a cow, winding its way up a sinuous ramp to the
slaughterhouse. On the cow's flank was painted a crude crucifix. The
executioner sported a headband with "Judas" written in red. Below the
executioner was a chalice to collect blood and a flea-market table to sell
hoofs, ears, and face hair. 

Even though there was a certain darkness to the Mad Cow floats, an element
of joviality was present. The cow costumes were out in force, detailed
enough to show Holsteins, Guernsey, Brown Swiss, English Linebackers, and
Texas Longhorns. 

For most of the herd, each cow hide looked like a Balkanized map of Europe.
Instead of rump roast, sirloin tips, and chuck steak designations, the hides
were tattooed with economic statements: cow retirement fund, EU head tax,
and the Costra Nostra's cut. On the map hide Belgium is the farmer's share.
On almost every cow The Hague is the massive rump, dangerously close to the
rectum.

At the end of the Carnival a few select cows walk up a ramp to the Ark of
the Future. At the entrance to the ark are two doors. Standing by one is a
man with a stun gun, behind the other, a priest. They rotate positions at
random.

Noah is ready to release white doves.  The doves seem in no hurry to go
anywhere. In fact, they seemed too heavy to fly.