International Correspondent Prince Charlie writes that waterbeds, naps, and possibly a touch of claret can help cows sleep deep and die easy.

It has come to my attention that cows produce 10-15 pounds more milk a week
if they sleep on water beds rather than grass, sand, or seaweed.

A professor at the University of Georgia has spent the last 30 years testing
various sleep surfaces for animals and rodents. Perhaps not surprisingly,
the researcher found that mice and rats sleep better on cheese. They tend to
grow healthier, heavier, long-lived offspring if they sleep on sharp and
cheddar cheeses. Swiss cheese, apparently because it is full of holes,
doesn't permit the rodents deep REM sleep, thus disturbing their foraging
patterns for at least the next 24 hours. Based on this research city
authorities in New York on Boston are actually seeding rodent dens with
varieties of Swiss cheeses to disturb the life and breeding cycles. To date
anecdotal evidence suggests these cities have been successful  in breeding
very fat rats.

The University of Georgia has verified the obvious. When given a choice
between sleeping in a spacious den, an unfurnished Motel 6, and the belly of
a long-dead rotting deer, possum choose the latter. Possum, researchers
explained, were attracted to the bacteria from the stinking, decaying
intestines of the deer.

Dairy organizations around the world are encouraging farmers to put these
water bed finding into practice. By one estimate if all the world's cows
slept on water beds, milk production would increase by one billion tons,
which is enough to feed the homeless in New York, Calcutta, and Moscow.

Not surprisingly, environmental activists are using this research for their
own ends. One group in Maidenform, WI has suggested that all cows going to
the slaughterhouse be given 10-15 minute naps on water beds "to calm their
fears." Dairy farmers think the idea ridiculous-and expensive. But the
Georgia researcher thinks it's a great idea and has petitioned the National
Science Foundation for funding. "Why not?," he asks. "We improve our moods
and the state of our health through napping. Look at Winston Churchill!"

But didn't claret and big cigars help Churchill to relax too, I ask.

"I like it," the professor, who is up for tenure, responded. 

"Do you get the picture? A cow on a water bed with a Cuban cigar on one hoof
and a glass of claret in the other."

"Could be a book here."

Title?

"Smoked Meat from a Happy, Shit-Faced Cow."

"It's got legs."