Dow Chemical got lucky when it discovered Methocel, a slippery slime that holds hundred of food together, including Jell-O and meat pies. Now a British scientist has found a similar elixir in the wretched mad cow dumps that pockmark the English countrysid

Dow Chemical has made a bundle with the product Methocel, a slippery slime
that holds hundreds of food together. It makes Jell-O wobbly, shampoos
frothy, and meat pies gluey. It makes laxatives run, onion rings hum, and
consumers numb.  In all, Methocel binds more than 400 foods together.

No bad for a sixty year-old laboratory mistake that was saved from the scrap
heap because someone discovered it was a good lining for Army canteens in
World War II. This is the reason water from canteens, park benches, and bird
baths taste so horrible.

Methocel didn't have any easy road because corn and potato starches have
been used successfully for 100 years-and are much cheaper than this
later-day slime ball. It was only when Methocel appeared as the lead
character in the movie "The Blob: that fortunes changed for the product.
Little kids started bugging their parents for Methocel, insisting that if
the slime didn't appear on the food ingredient label, parents shouldn't buy
the product. In time it was a common practice that snack food, such as
potato chips, pretzels, and ice cream bore the label "with slime."

In another apparent turn of history a young bio-chemist from Waverly, Essex,
UK might have found a substitute for Methocel. Dr. M. Black Shirley, while
experimenting with samples from the thousands of mad cow dumps around
Britain-they hold the ashes of millions of slaughtered cows-discovered that
once in solution the cow paste would bind with animals, vegetables, and
minerals.

"I was floored," said Shirley. "Cow paste had the effect of improving almost
every British dish from haggis to vegetarian lasagna. As a condiment cow
paste is like a good English wine. As a binding ingredient, it's like hot
pizza stuck to the roof of your mouth."

Till now cow waste has been sold to American and Japanese tourists as
souvenirs of a savage time. The Japanese seem particularly impressed. 

Now that the waste seems too have a commercial application, the huge mounds
of cow leftovers have attracted a lot of attention. A rubbish removal
company has purchased this stockpile from the government and is auctioning
off one-pound samples on an Internet site---cowwaste.com. 

Dr. Shirley thinks the cow paste should serve strictly commercial purposes.
"Methocel is good," he acknowledges, "but cow paste is even better because
of the high protein content. It is also high in fiber, which is essential
for the health of the West."

Shirley thinks the best is yet to come. "I have every reason to believe," he
asserts," that we are looking at a breakthrough. Early indications are that
consumption of cow waste increases the IQ's of children by 10-15 percent,
served either with candy or fish and chips."

"Consider the irony: cows were slaughtered because of the fear they could
cause a horrible brain disease. Now evidence suggests that once the cows
have been burnt or cleansed, they may save England."

Rumor has it that the Mad Cow will receive the Order of the Garter.