It has come to my attention that electorates on both sides of the Atlantic are electing candidates to office without a full understanding of the politicians' etymological roots. We pay more attention to the shade of their lipstick and color of underwear than the sound, root, and timbre of their names. No matter what you might hear from muddle-headed semanticists, the word is indeed the thing. After all, they don't call me Prince for nothing. I am most assuredly not the man previously known as Prince. During the wildly overblown Mad Cow crisis I was strike by the name of our Minister for Cows-Hogg. What a beautiful contre-temps for the critics who were serving up the crisis as if there were no tomorrow. Through the din Mr. Hogg stood with little piggy daughter in front of a tawdry hamburger joint munching serenely on a cow burger-and forcing his daughter to do the same. Hamburger in hand Cow Man Hogg bravely challenged the swine who did not approve of cattle eating their elders-in a protein pill. This was as close as the Commonwealth got to being in Hogg Heaven. As Shakespeare said the "name's the thing if you want your gaudy tights to sing." The old boy knew his politics. And his language. The bard could have saved John Major a lot of heartache associated with the quest for re-election. Almost everyone knew that people confused John Major with Major Major Major, a wacky character in Joseph Heller's Catch-22. John Major was done in by the BBC word nuts who kept calling him John to the third power. The less educated among us thought Major was trying to crown himself as John III. The really dumb-those living within spitting distance of Hadrian's wall, thought he wanted to be pope. The blighter never had a chance. I am a fearless advocate of good, old-fashioned, and easy-to-swallow Anglo-Saxon names. I think Tony Blair was elected because he has a short, understandable last name-and wasn't trying to become pope. And Blair-or more appropriately-Blare suits the man to a tee. He blares all the time. In parliament, in Macedonia, and in flagrente delicto. Though I am very reluctant to become involved in British politics, I suggest that to beat this man in the next general election you better change your name to Horn or Lip or Blow. Nonetheless, Hogg remains my sentimental favorite. This excellence in political naming is not restricted to Britain. America seems to be learning fast after a dismal track record of voting for the likes of Nixon and Carter. The first sounded like a hatchet man and the other, a pusher of wheelbarrows. No wonder America was in such a state at the time. The country was ready for Reagan (Raygun to his supporters) and Bush (a bird in the hand). Clinton won election because voters saw him as a kind of Clint Eastwood. In this case the word took on a positive etymological connotation. The upcoming election offers some stark choice. Frankly speaking, I like Gore because that words reeks of blood, guts, and Anglo-Saxon majesty. My recommendation is that he become the word and bloody his opponents. Evidence already in suggests he has anticipated my timely remarks. Dole is another matter. The word is short and punchy but reminds me of a handout, such as in someone being on the dole. Frankly, I think this is what ruined her husband's chances. It wasn't his edginess or bad puns but his name that conjured up the welfare state. That would never do for a Republican. She is hanging around the empty vice president's suite, hoping she can be second banana. This would be an enormous advantage to the Republican, having two names everyone can spell. Bush seems like a winner. The word is squat, close to the ground, and easy for dogs to find. But a bush can be a perennial and prickly. There is danger here. I've seen references to supporters calling themselves Bushmen. This is entirely inappropriate in this age of political correctness. I have also seen references to Bush-leaguers, which is not a moniker that any new, inexperienced candidate who is feeding off his father's name wants to see in print. Bush-wackier seems more appropriate after what the Texan did to John McCain. Now wonder the senator wanted to whack Bush with a cane. Bradley, a fine fellow, didn't make it because people thought he was a very tall toy from Milton Bradley. Knowledgeable observers hear "cannon" when Buchanan speaks, rendering his chances slight. He'd be better off changing his name to gun. His election would be assured. The world would be a better place if voters elected politicians with solid, sure, Anglo-Saxon names. I am certain Serbia is contemplating this very notion. And regretting they ever elected someone called Slob.
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