"Falling down cow" has become the latest, highly-conscious mosh pit prank that gives purpose and meaning to lives not yet touched by astrology.

In England four million cows were slaughtered because of fear they were
infected with mad cow disease.

To date America has been spared this horrific experience. There have been no
recorded instances of mad cow disease.

But we do have falling down cows.

In short, 100,000 cows fall down and die each year and no one really knows
why.

Theories range from too much beef on the hoof to a general spiritual malaise
of the dairy herd.

In the past these cows have been ground up and fed to other cows. That is no
longer the case. Not all falling down animals have been kept out of the
dairy diet, however. Deer that fall down in front of cars go into the bovine
protein pill.

This could be the end of the story if not for Americans looking for
something to worry about. Despite low inflation, negligible unemployment,
and reduced threat from the Evil Empire, Americans remains anxious.

Psychologists tell us that anxiety is a condition of the privileged. If that
is the case, there is more than enough anxiety to go around. Politicians
help by warning about genetically manufactured food, flesh-eating bacteria,
road rage, and, yes, falling down cow.

Psychologists J. Paul Gass suggests people "relate to cows falling down for
no reason-it just makes sense. After all,  interest in astrology is at its
greatest level since the Black Plague."

The utter absurdity of falling down cows has caught on at college campuses.
Falling down cow has replaced the mosh pit as the most timely expression of
our culture. Fraternities are donning cow costumes for pledge week.

Dr. Gass says "there is something attractive about the aimless, witless cow.
Perhaps these beasts know something we don't. In a way there's a fierce
logic to cows falling down. In my opinion it suggests an act of supreme
consciousness, a rejection of the Western death instinct symbolized by the
slaughterhouse.

"We could take a lesson from the cow," Gass continues, "I recommend that
when the world is too much with them, people just fall down. This might be
enough to assuage the terrible anxiety felt by Americans. And if necessary
to save the race, we might have to introduce mad cow disease on a very
limited basis."

The Better British Beef Association strongly objectives to this American
trivialization of a truly great disease.