Growing concerns about genetic defects and infectious diseases have
revitalized this cottage industry. Indeed, it is not uncommon for women,
especially in America and Western Europe, to be impregnated with anonymous
sperm in hopes of having a male child taller and more interesting than her
partner or husband. Research done by wegotsperm.com indicates that western
women are increasingly marrying for money and don't count on the males in
their life for perfect offspring.
"There is a subtle, but discernible, trend," says Dr. A.K.A. Gunner "Men are
working so hard and still insist on wearing tight underwear, even though
medical research indicates it significantly lowers sperm count. Women are
understandably not taking any chances."
"However, this is just one factor," Dr. Gunner adds. "Men and women wear
designer clothes and, not surprisingly are interested in designer children.
We are certainly not talking about hunting out a sperm donor because of
fears that a child might be born with birth defects. Quite the contrary, the
latest trends indicate that parent-to-be take almost as much time choosing
traits for their child as they would buying a car. We can take some solace
in this."
There have been unconfirmed reports that some fashion designers are
considering using sperm as a premium with purchases over $1000. Handbag
designer Fendi denies planning to offer as a premium designer sperm-nicely
frozen-with such a purchase.
Gunner notes that prospective parents are becoming quite fussy about the
nationality of the sperm donor. For example, people are avoiding British
sperm like the plaque, due in large measure to the outbreak of mad cow
disease a few years ago. Bank on British Sperm(BBS) reports that requests
for "our basic meat and potatoes, solid, steady, church-going British sperm
has plummeted. Frankly, we see this as a massive rejection of our culture
and our manliness. It smells fishy."
BBS does see one bright spot. "We are getting quite a few requests from
Russian sources for sturdy British sperm, especially from people living
around leaking nuclear plants" Dr. Gunner, on the other hand, looks at the
matter differently. "The gene pool of both countries have been affected.
After all, both countries report more hard-drinking louts at soccer games."
Denmark is in the eye of the sperm storm. So numerous are requests for tall,
handsome, blue-eyed, blond sperm that the Danish sperm banks can hard keep
up. Says Gunner, "Danish sperm banks must now offer large cash incentives
for sperm donors, up to a $1000 per donation. So lucrative is the business
that thousands have quit work and now depend on sperm and blood donations to
live. The government fears a break-down in the work ethic."
The European Union is looking carefully at this phenomenon and has
dispatched a thousand bureaucrats in The Hague to research the issue. The
fear is that within a generation the entire continent of Europe will look
Danish. The Russians, of course, will look British.
It seems other parts of the animal kingdom have been affected. To compensate
for the bad press associated with mad cow disease British dairy farmers are
taking a page out of the sperm bank book. They are offering something akin
to designer cows. Farmers are actually breeding cows with polka dot and
plaid hides, just to create a buzz. Shropshire farmer Randall Snoops
acknowledges that the meat won't be affected one bit-still your basic
British beef. But, he says, "imagine the reaction in France when they see
these designer cows. They'll forget our meat was ever contaminated."
No word from France.
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