In this Vermont theme park cows don't shit, smell and give birth under the noon-day sun. They will, however, moo and make yogurt on demand.

                                                                 Happy Cows
Mean Happy Tourists


Vermont cows can expect to bump into a lot more tourists this summer,
tip-toeing around sun-dried chips, digital cameras at the ready. Cows are
already receiving instructions about how to deal with pushy New York
visitors.

Vermont dairy farming is under considerable economic pressure. A land of
small diary farmers-16,000 at latest count-Vermont is reeling from declining
milk prices which are the same as they were twenty years ago..

For this reason Vermont's Secretary of Agriculture has proposed an emphasis
on agri-tourism. In fact Secretary Roland Waters has committed $10 million
dollars to help dairy farmers modify their operations to suit the tastes and
expectations of tourists. "We want to emphasize the positive, regenerative
side of farming," Waters remarked at a recent Burlington news conference.
"People come to Vermont to see sun-drenched cows mooing happily in tidy
meadows."

Initially, agri-tourists dollars will be spent cleaning up meadows and
barnyards. Vermont has sent representatives to New York City to coax illegal
immigrants to Vermont to pick up after the cows.  Not only will the workers
get minimum wage but they can use the dried cow chips to build homes on the
five refugee camp sites soon to be opened around the state.

Workers will also paint barns of farms in the program. The idea is to paint
happy cow faces on all the buildings. So popular has this idea become that
the Carnation Corporation has agreed to underwrite  the entire graphic's
program. The state has already prepared a booklet, "Putting on a Happy Cow
Face," for farmers. Suggestions include: rope off manure pits, put room
freshener in the barns, discourage cows from copulating, and avoid talking
about the slaughterhouse.

Not all farmers, however, are supportive of this effort.  David Stillborn,
who operates a 30-acre dairy farm outside Burlington, doesn't object to
tourism dollars. He does object to the commercialism. " Frankly," he
remarked, I don't like Bessie the Cow's happy face on barns across Vermont.
If you look a cow in the eye you know these are not happy animals."

Stillborn thinks city people should know where food really comes from. In
this spirit he proposed putting the local  slaughterhouse and rendering
plants on the tourist map. That appears unlikely to happen.

Waters is pushing ahead with the next phase of the project-a dairy theme
park. Visitors will be able to photograph, pet and milk mechanical cows. The
cows can be milked for yogurt, hot chocolate, and cream cheese. Visitors can
feed cows grass and, through a window in the animal's stomach, watch the
digestion process, speeded up in the interest of the customer. Visitors will
receive waste material, nicely scented and wrapped in gift paper. The
package is labeled "Made in Vermont" with the URL  carnationcowcountry.com.

Cows will moo on demand in different language, depending on what way you
pull the tail. Waters doesn't expect any complaint from the SPCA. Just to be
on the safe side the mechanical cows will have a slot right over the heart
for charitable donations. All currencies will be honored.

Waters anticipates a time in the next few decades when Vermont dairy farms
will disappear. Sad as he is about this eventuality, he is pleased that his
Dairy Land of the North will fully capture Vermont's "rich and diverse dairy
industry." He is also pleased that "you can milk my animals till the cows
come home."