Shit Collectors Kimberly-Clark might finally have hit pay-dirt or, to be more exact, cow dung. It might have discovered the answer to all that unsightly runoff that fouls our streams and stinks up the countryside. K-C has struggled in the adult diaper market because men and women would rather wet themselves than be caught dead with unstylish, bulky, leaky diapers that are about as comfortable as wearing a chastity belt. K-C has not given up on adults. In fact, it has hired Fendi as a consultant to make adult diapers, especially for women, more fashionable. One test sample shows an adult diaper looks like a handbag. In fact, it's large enough for sunglasses, lipstick, and at least a half-dozen pairs of shoes. A new line of diapers for men, inspired by race car driver Petty, looks like a head gasket from a Formula One car. It makes a racing sound when men move a certain way. But, until women wear handbags and men head gaskets, the cow's the thing that makes the chief at K-C sing. When staying at the Plaza hotel in New York CEO Norm Bangor noticed the carriage horses outside his window were wearing diapers. This practice was in deference to tourists who are offended by barnyard smells. Not Mr. Bangor. He went out on Central Park south and got closer to a horse's ass than discretion usually permits. His prize was not only a faceful of horse shit but an indelible insight: if horses can wear diapers, why not cows? He let his mind drift to the vast diary lands of the mid-west where every cow wore a Kimberly-Clark diaper. He would get an environmental award after all. He assembled his R&D team that developed, within six months, a lightweight cow diaper that can carry up to a short ton of cow shit before the animal gets a back ache or milk production slows. A cow wears the device low on the back, as one would an evening shawl. The device, tentatively called "Nature's Sling" comes in pink, rose, and chartreuse. Field studies in Des Moines have showed that cows are not bothered by the extra weight. In fact, animal psychologists think the 2000 cows in the test are happier because they are doing their bit for the environment. And, as everyone knows, a happier cow means tastier meat. McDonalds is considering switching to the diapered cow for its Happy Meal. And nothing is wasted. Almost 90% of the cow dung is collected and shipped to China for use on rice paddies, thus dispensing with the use of human excrement. To date runoff in the Des Moines area has been noticeable reduced, thought the drinking water in local homes still taste like cow. That is expected to change. CEO Bangor is delighted with the breakthrough but is hardly finished,. He sees pigs as the next market but acknowledges the challenges are greater in this sector. "Pigs actually produce more waste per pound of body weight than cows," he remarked at a Streator, Ill. press conference. "So the need is huge. But we haven't figured out how to attach the diaper to the pig's back. Pig's are a little greasier than cows and tend to roll around in their own excrement. One idea is to automatically attach a membrane at birth that will grow organically as the pigs urinates. It would be made of reinforced fiberglass and could carry a ton of waste." Bangor has a very definite, two-track, marketing plan: "Everyone in Diapers" is his clarion call. He wants every man, woman, child and beast in diapers. If diapers are not actually needed, people should wear them as fashion statements. In his opinion pets should not leave the house without diapers. He can envision a time when businessmen and women are wearing diapers outside their clothes to assert their individuality. He sees this practice as softening the relationship between and among the sexes. "We have found alpha male cows are much kinder towards each other when they are in diapers. I am sure the same will be true for humans." Bangor's name is being circulated for the Nobel Prize.
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