Having lost the bra war in France, Disney is leaning terribly left in the states. But don't try to date Mickey Mouse.

                                                          Of Disney's Mice &
Men


Disney is starting the 21st century stung from a spate of bad publicity. A
year ago Euro-Disney was on the wrong side of the bra issue, resulting in a
near-collapse of the French government. It seems Disney management insisted
female workers at the theme park wear bras. Rather than acting mouse-like
and ducking the issue, the French women took it to the press, the courts,
and the public, arguing that going bra-less was a cultural artifact and not
to be tampered with by the long arms of Americans. Business dropped off so
severely that Disney had to relent, stating in a press release that it did
not consider bra-less women to be any less moral than those who wore them.
The company has asked workers not to burn bras on Disney property.  

Having been burned by this small  rebellion at Euro-Disney, Management
didn't want to risk any more brushfires-and decided to get out in front of
the issue. The company has decided to unveil a social compact with the
workforce that would guarantee retention. And send the stock price soaring.
The first announcement to this effect, reported widely in Florida's best
newspapers, was the Disney would now permit men to wear mustaches. Women's
groups are already threatening a boycott of the theme park. 

Though the mustache policy has become world news, Disney had been quietly
moving in this direction for some time. Earlier the company had announced
that men could wear toupees and women eye-liner as long as it was applied in
streaks no thicker than 2.54cm. Though male cast members are not allowed to
wear makeup, they can use a very light rouge for cheek enhancement-but only
if they can prove by birth certificate they come from countries which get
little sun.

Intra-theme park dating has been frowned on by Disney executives who have
tried to rid the parks of any hint of sexuality, including throwing or
blowing air kisses. That position, however, is about to change. The new
policy permits men and women to date as long as they sign a "Just Say No"
affidavit. In a similar vein Disney, which has always frowned on
homosexuality, will now permit gay cast members to date, as long as one
party is dressed as a woman.

Disney has steadfastly refused to condone inter-species dating. In other
words no one will be bar-hopping with Mickey Mouse in downtown Orlando.
According to a Disney spokesperson, "that practice would undermine the
sanctity of the brand."

After much heated discussion the Disney board approved inter-racial dating
but only if each person holds a King James Bible in plain view at all times.
The company has also announced that the international pavilions at Epcot
will have more of a multi-cultural flavor.  Instead of using cast members
dressed in native garb, Disney will bring in real citizens from the various
countries. With its own air force and passport control, Disney is able to
inaugurate such a civic-minded program without interference from the federal
government. Al Sharpton has already announced his trip to Disney to publicly
applaud this policy.

Finally, in response to criticism, especially from New Yorkers, that the
theme parks are too clean, Disney groundskeepers will distribute randomly
popular street trash, such as dog dirt, condoms, and half-eaten bagels, so
everyone feels at home. These items will be made of plastic so no harm will
come to children who are expected to chew on these items.

So far Wall Street has responded favorably to these changes. Disney in turn
promises to double park visitors by 50% in the next three years. Veteran
Disney watchers indicate this is well within management's reach. To make
room for the new Disney enthusiasts all the company has to do is to
drastically cut down on its 10,000-person police force that looks after
visitors.