Hamburger Heaven Leonardo Di Caprio, who went successfully from the sinking with the Titanic to stinking up "The Beach" is a rabid environmentalist, even though he has been savaged for destroying half of Thailand's habitable beaches for his last sand flick. The actor's credentials are impeccable, however, because he is a core Gore supporter. After all, Gore who starred in "Love Story". destroyed an entire Viet Cong Battalion while on a photo shoot, and invented business cards, also invented the environment. Though assailed for taking money from destitute Buddhist monks, the politician was actually at the temple to pray for global warming. Di Caprio is equally concerned about global warming and endangered species and shrugs off accusations that in "The Beach" the characters cooked local moneys over a sand spit. His publicist reminds us that they actually cooked abandoned dogs and threw the meat to the sharks to encourage a feeding frenzy. Di Caprio reportedly agonized over ordering a hamburger from room service. "I shouldn't be eating hamburgers," he remarked, "because the methane gas the cows release is the #1 contributor to the destruction of the ozone layer. Plus the rain forest is destroyed to make room for cow grazing." The teen idol hadn't even gotten around to worrying about tuna in a can. Understandably, the actor takes 5-6 hours to decide his room service menu. He doesn't take such decisions lightly. When appropriate, he calls Gore for advice. The politician, when not working on his father's farm and growing tobacco that killed his sister, works in a slaughterhouse so he can better understand the psyche of cows. "Leonardo," Gore said, "I understand your dilemma. Eating meat without government intervention is wasteful. But, as I told the farmers in Iowa, I've been a meat eater since daddy gave me permission to leave the table. But methane gas is a bummer. So on a bus trip from Ames to Iowa City, I invented a pill that makes cows more conscious of this bad habit. If cows can be taught basic manners, such as crossing their legs after eating, methane will be less of a problem. These developments have significantly reduced the time it takes Di Caprio to order room service which has been greeted with wild applause by hotels who still admit actors. However Gore, who misses the actor's calls, has recently announced legislation that mandates classical music be played in all slaughterhouses. " The objective," he states, "is not only to sooth the savage beast but to make beef tender loin even more tender." Di Caprio is energized. No longer does he order rare hamburgers. He orders Mozart, Stravinsky, or Rimsky-Korsakoff burgers, thus showing a touch of class to waiters who can't speak English. Good deeds, however, never go unpunished. Labor unions are fighting this legislation that calls for the music to be played louder than the death shrieks of slaughtered animals. Workers are losing hearing at an alarming rate. With impeccable logic Gore counters that when you lose hearing, the brain grows. The unions are still debating that assumption. Meanwhile, Di Caprio wants to do a remake of Slaughterhouse-Five, from a cow's point-of-view. Gore says cows are people too.
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