There's a battle brewing between California and Wisconsin over whether a cow is a pet or a piece of farm machinery. Not to mention being on the bad end of a crush video.

                                                                   Pets
Under Heel



A war between East and West is going on in Cow Country. The central question
is whether cows should be treated as farm equipment or pets. 

A California farmer is quoted in the NYT that "On a lot of those farms in
the Midwest and East, cows have a name. They're sort of pets. It's not like
that here; a cow's a piece of machinery. If it's broken, we try to fix it,
and if it can't, it gets replaced."

In this system each cow has a number and a page on the computer. If cows
don't produce enough milk, they go to beef-the slaughterhouse.

The description of Eastern and Midwest farmers as "sentimental pet breeders"
who have an unnatural relationship with their cows has drawn a sharp retort
from the Wisconsin Council for Cow Culture and Origins (WCCCO). "We resent
being described as sentimental pet breeders because we care about cows and
feel they should be treated with dignity at all times, even in death. We
haven't earned the reputation as the number one dairy state for nothing."

The Chino Computer Cow Council (CX4) is not impressed. "Those WACCOS in
Wisconsin should do their homework. California has replaced Wisconsin as the
number one dairy state, though Wisconsin will always be known as the home of
cheese-eaters."

"The proof is in the pudding, so to speak. We treat cows as if they are part
of the farm engine. And our cows produce more milk per udder than any cow
this side of Liechtenstein. And our beef is tender because our cows are
under no illusions. They fulfill their fate when they become Happy Meals."

WCCCO officials responded that they would reported the Computer Cow people
to the Cow Commission at The Hague. "We believe cows have the same rights as
man to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness within the confines of an
enlightened farm policy.

"But there is more at stake. We have evidence that some Chino dairy farmers
are making big bucks by allowing sleazy porno companies access to diseased
calves for the purpose of "crush videos." This is appalling and needs to be
stopped. To see an injured calf impaled on ten-inch spikes worn by nude
porno actresses is horrific."

CX4 responded that, as far as it knew, no one wearing red high heel spikes
was permitted near the veal factory.

The Hague is waiting for the video before making a decision.