Oprah Winfrey did not defame the Texas Cattlemen's Association over mad cow disease, the judged ruled. He also ruled she didn't go far enough in exploring why so many people look like cows. Stay tuned.

                                                                     Family
Tree


The Superior Court in Tiddlewink, Texas has ruled that the Opray Winfrey
show did not defame the Texas Cattlemen's Association when publicizing mad
cow disease. The talk show intimated that the disease can be transmitted in
porter house steaks and other delicacies such as cow spleen and spine, a
favorite French dish.

Justice Jack "The Shooter" Pinkbottom argued for the majority 6 to 0
decision that "history is replete with mad cow hoof prints."

Pinkbottom, referring to the book "Cow Parts in Song and Legend" notes that
"cows have been fed each other at least since the Battle of Waterloo. In
fact, there is compelling evidence that cows were not only fed each other's
brains and spinal columns, but were fed human remains as well.

"Indeed," Justice Pinkbottom continued, "forensic experts have shown the
practice was widespread. Historical records from the 16th century indicate
there was a shortage of calcium in Britain, especially in the north. This is
the reason later generations tend to be short and squat. The shortage
triggered the practice of adding cow and human bones to the soil. In fact
government documents show that bones from the Waterloo dead-French and
British-were deposited wholesale on Yorkshire grazing lands. So in time cows
were eating others cows and Britain's brightest."

Taking a speculative turn Pinkbottom theorizes that the historical cow diet
introduced a genetic transmutation causing cows to  look more like people.

"Therefore," the justice wrote, "it is not accurate to say people in the
north of England look 'horsy', a popular slight delivered by their brethren
to the south. More accurately, the people from the north have more in common
with cows. More than one researcher has noted the milky complexion,
unhurried gait, and sturdy disposition of people in the north. This is an
association to be treasured and guarded, such as the family tree.

"Accordingly, with my fellow justices I must conclude that the talk show in
question did not defame the Texas Cattlemen's Association. Quite the
contrary, the show did not go far enough in addressing a compelling social
and genetic issue: just what do we have in common with cows? It is in the
public interest that the media explore the issue of family members eating
each other. As far as I know, cannibalism is still illegal in America and in
the great state of Texas."

The Cattlemen's Associated has hired a Ph.D. in anthropology to translate
Pinkbottom's briefs into the local vernacular.