Sometimes key indices--such as toilet paper purchasing habits--reveal more about the heart and soul of a nation than the national IQ. By this measure Britain stands tall.

                                                                     Better
British Bums



British history has been blessed with a long line of splendid and pampered
bums-posteriors, not vagrants. To be sure a certain etymological confusion
sometimes creates havoc with language, such as in the infamous "bum's rush"
which in polite society means being shown the exit rather than the way in. 

The tendency to get "bummed out" about bums is a very recent development,
another casualty of political correctness. This was not always the case,
however. Indeed, literature is replete with rich metaphor extolling the
virtues of the very misunderstood British posterior.

In his famous speech to Othello about Desdemona Iago asks "How can Saturn's
night be reflected in a blooms so white, how can Hades blight be shadowed by
moons so bright." William Wordsworth, the father of the Romantic Movement,
wrote that his cousin's behind was the "perfect silk satchel that followed
manners and desire." Oscar Wilde, a little sharper in tone,  wrote that
"Even fairer than breasts behinds begin and end my vagabond days." A martyr
for the cause, Wilde was put in jail for such language.

In poetry, prose and practice the British bottom has always been considered
a priceless appendage.  And even in the 21st century none of this historical
luster has been lost. Recent research has shown that the British spend more
on toilet paper than any other country in the European Union. This fact is
reflected in the very successful Kimberly-Clark advertising campaign,
appearing on television, buses and the underground, that boldly proclaims
"British bums deserve the best." And they apparently get just that.

The British pay twice as much as the German and the French, and nearly three
times as much as Americans for the standard four-pack roll. Rarely fussy
about food, the British are very fussy about toilet paper, demanding softer
and more textured paper than their continental cousins. Toilet paper in the
UK is longer, wider, and heavier than what's sold in the rest of Europe.
There is scant evidence this discrepancy is tied to physiology rather than
taste.

Research by Kimberly-Clarke suggests that an acute interest in bathroom
style is driving this trend. A family might live in a very modest home but
spares no expense in decorating the bathroom, with purple being the odd-on
favorite color. In all consumers are offered fifty different colors ranging
from hedgehog brown to prickly pear pink. The very English expression that a
"man's home is his castle" has given way to the belief that a "colored
bathroom is the best measure of national mood."

Every positive national trend  has the potential of producing certain ribald
offshoots, such as spanking. After tea drinking and soccer riots, spanking
is the most popular British pastime freely advertised in all phone boxes
throughout the nation. Essex sociologist J. Poole Little sees no deviancy.
Rather, he notes, "spanking is a passionate interest in the very seat of
lust, power and decay. There is a psychological sophistication at work
here."

From the time the Wife of Bath threatened to shows her ample and angelic
English rump to the Canterbury pilgrims, the British bottom  has been at the
heart of the nation's growth, expansion, and prosperity. If toilet paper
sales are any indication, the country has little to worry about.