At the heart of the Cuba-America standoff is the question of whether milk is an inalienable right. Dairy farmers think so. But, then again, so does Gore.

New York Post columnist Steve Dunlevy, arguing why raft-boy Elian Gonzalez
should remain in the states, suggests cow's milk should be a central
consideration for Janet Reno. After all, in America we can bathe in the
stuff. In Cuba, after age six, children don't get free milk at school. This
constitutes significant deprivation.

Others argue that the boy can't buy Milk Duds on his walk home from his
shanty-town school. Still others point out that he is not able to buy ice
cream to lessen his anguish when he hears Fidel Castro deliver a 20-hour
speech on how to keep a 1956 Chevy running using string and chewing gum.
Cadillacs take a little longer.

Elian's Miami relatives have argued strenuously about the importance of milk
to a growing child. Central to their legal brief is that, since water and
electricity are cut off in the average Cuban home by 9 PM, children cannot
get hot chocolate at bedtime. Castro has responded that American children
consume too much milk. That's why they are so fat, he claims. And why Cubans
regularly beat Americans in baseball, boxing, and bobsled.

Castro has taken a page from PETA's book, which has suggested that it is
better to drink beer than milk, though Cuba has little of either. This
unreconstructed Stalinist suggests keeping milk, sugar, fruit tarts and
Disney World from a child is a good thing. Cuban Americans scoff at this
logic, indicating milk is as American as apple pie and street
demonstrations.

The Florida Dairy Council has supported the Cuban-American community by
sending a herd of cows to graze on the boys front lawn. If he is forced to
return to Cuba, the family has insisted that a 20-strong herd of Holsteins
travel with him so he and his classmates get cradle to grave milk, Hershey
bars, and yogurt.

The Post has joined the fray by insisting that the fiber glass cow parade,
due in New York in June, should also go to Cuba so the "people will
appreciate what the animal has contributed to art, health, and
civilization." The message was underwritten by the Dairy Farmers of America.

This emphasis on milk as an inalienable right has caught the US government
off-guard. Only Reno's respect for the law has kept her from siding with the
cow. However, an agreement seems to be in the works. The US government has
proposed that it will let the boy return to Cuba if the milk industry can
hook Cuban children on milk. For their part the Miami Cuban community would
gain independence and be allowed to outlaw English and burn used tires at
will.

Castro has insisted that the invading cows learn Spanish and participate in
Mayday celebrations. Cuban Americans have insisted the cows be instructed as
double agents to report back from the field. Attempting to find a middle
ground Al Gore said cows, like politicians, have the capacity for both