The British are regaining their Beefeater look at the expense of fashion models

                                                      Bringing a Nation to
Table
                           

Like the Magna Carta, the Beatles, and fish & chips, many good ideas have
come to the states from Britain. More recently British tourists by the
hundred weight arriving at Disney World dressed in the Union Jack are a
reminder that the island nation remains a fashion leader.

The country that made boiled beef & carrots an international delicacy is
again front and center, reminding the world that the traditional, flushed
British Beefeater look, forever enshrined on bottles of cheap gin, is a
most desirable aesthetic. 

Prime Minister Tony Blair has put his weight behind an international
advertising campaign encouraging people to annually consume their body
weight in British beef. This effort has a distinct economic edge as beef
consumption in the UK and the world fell off sharply during the mad cow
scare. Alarmed by the threat of this fatal disease, British consumers
turned away from meat and back to root vegetables such as beets, rootworm,
and tuberous begonias. 

After five years the net effect is that the average British adult has lost
14-pounds or one stone in their lexicon (British children have gained on
average a stone because they continue to eat higher on the food
chain--hamburgers, gum, and jelly donuts). This drastic weight drop in the
British adult, historically seen as fat and jolly--more like Falstaff than
Twiggy--has the medical community up-in-arms.

Dr. Jonathan Spam, medical director at St.Peter-in-Chains hospital in 
north London is alarmed by this development. “We thoroughly supported the
government’s effort to get British adults to eat healthier foods. But we
think people are taking it too far. After all, there is not much nutrition
in rootworm other than a little protein. If this trend continues, I don’t
know what will happen to the genetics of the nation.”

Dr. Spam is not only concerned about the physical health of people, he is
equally concerned about  their “psychological health and sense of
well-being. After all, we British have always delighted in eating and
drinking to our hearts content, body weight be damned. In fact, we always
made fun of Americans who were health fanatics. We’re even worse. At least
Americans have the good sense to eat good tasting food. Here we’ll eat
anything. Our beautiful gardens are being destroyed by people who will eat
everything from geraniums to rose petals. It’s a disaster.”

In addition to Tony Blair’s campaign to get people to consume more British
beef, the government is considering a ban on too-thin models, a move
applauded by MODE, a magazine from the plus-sized woman. The Government’s
Women’s Unit, headed by Baroness Jay and Education Minister Tessa Jowell,
both of ample size, have asked fashion and modeling heavyweights to attend
a summit to decide whether the industry should be regulated to protect the
health of teenage girls as well as the nation.

If the Women’s Unit has it’s way, no woman who comes in under size-14 will
be allowed to model. Just as boxers before a fight, women will have to
attend weigh-ins before a fashion show. Models coming from other countries
will be weighed  at British passport control. If they come in under the
desired weight and size for their body type, they will be allowed to gorge
on British food for three days at the airport to get their weight up to an
acceptable standard. The government has already expressed a willingness to
donate British beef to this “beefing up.” Guinness is considering
participating in this program.

The Women’s Unit has received widespread support from the British press and
public who seemed pleased they can take their island--and body size-- back.
The Evening Standard referred to a return a FAT CITY. Even the subdued
TIMES of London editorialized that the “British body is back.”  

The European Commission on Human Rights has signaled that it is concerned
about the adverse effects of such Draconian measures, “even ones adopted by
fair parliamentary means.” The commission pointed out that many groups
living in the UK are not heavy meat-eaters and could be singled out for
retribution if “they didn’t conform to the industry norm.”

The British government intends to push ahead with its program. In fact, it
is considering whether tourists and immigrant should be at a certain weight
before admitted to the UK. The details are being worked out but, at first
blush, it seems Americans will be more than welcome but people from
Bangladesh might have to be cloistered at the airport for a few days
gorging themselves in British beef washed down with pints of Guinness.

Tony Blair defends his government’s actions and insists these programs,
once approved, will be conducted in the “spirit of British fair-play.” What
started out as a campaign to improve the country’s health, is now a
campaign “to regain our national heritage,look and demeanor. After all,
Shakepeare got it right when he referred to the English as a nation “broad
of back whose appetite is further whetted by desire fraught with animal
conviction.”  

The government is yet to release any data on public compliance with this
program.However,anecdotal reports suggest meat consumption is up sharply
and “blood pudding” has made it back to the Sunday table. Tailors report
being inundated with requests to modify clothes. Pharmacies report a run on
fiber and laxatives.

There is apparently less flower vandalism in Hyde Park.