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Russian medical service has been going downhill since the country decided
to abandon root vegetables for a heavy dose of McDonalds hamburgers and
pizza pie. That Russian men drink vodka for breakfast and die before their
children are knee-high hasn’t helped either. Russians have to travel to
Mexico City to get relief from the toxic air fed by heavy leaded gasoline.
But the country that is short on such exotic items as aspirin, Band-Aids,
and nail polish, is heavily endowed with a medieval cabinet of exotic
medicines. On the top shelf are leeches, which might well be Russia’s way
out of ill-health and into the forefront of medical research. This is
certainly what the International Center for Medieval Leeches, based in
Rodniki, has in mind.
At this time the leech center breeds 1.5 million leeches annually for the
Rodnikians, Moscow gangsters reluctant to go to hospitals with bullet
wounds, and a Hollywood clientele which, in the interest of fair play,
likes the sound of their own blood being sucked.
There is also some evidence that this is a reliable way to lose weight. No
wonder magazine are recommending “non-invasive” leeches over liposuction.
Leeches are proving especially helpful for reducing the size of lips,
hips, and earlobes.
Leeches will surely have other applications, in both East and West. We know
from history that the pharaohs loved leeches and had a quantity buried with
them so the ancients could stay in fine form while underground for
centuries. In medieval times leeches were used to lower blood pressure and,
of course, to remove the evil eye--and sometimes, just to be safe, both of
them.
In modern America leeches are routinely used to aid blood flow after
reconstructive surgery, though most doctors shy away from this procedure
because leeches are too effective and inexpensive--$6--9 for a pedigree
leech. As one physician put it, “leeches are not a margin business.”
Such thinking has not deterred the leech center in Russia. In fact, the
center plans to increase leech production to 10 million by the end of the
year. Such a production increase is relatively simple because leeches are
hardly fussy feeders. Russian leeches feed on cow’s blood that is retrieved
from a local slaughterhouse and hand-carried to the center before the cow’s
blood cools. Then the steaming blood is poured into fine china and the
leeches consume ten times their body weight.
Apparently cow’s milk is chosen because cows are cleaner than pigs. Russian
folk wisdom has it that pigs eat anything but cows are more selective,
being vegetarians. That is, except in the US and Europe where cows are fed
a variety of road kill and domestic pets rejected by landfills.
Life is not a particularly happy one for leeches, however. The creatures
don’t live very long after sucking on a person’s face because, according to
Russian doctors, “we have so much junk in our blood.”
Nonetheless, the future for the blood-sucking worm seems very bright. Leech
face creams will be on the market soon in both France and the Ukraine. The
cream, Antonia, has been test-marketed in Russia and surveys suggest users
are much thinner and feel ten years younger. A toothpaste using leech
extract will be on the market soon. With an eye to the American and
European markets, leeches are being trained to serve as permanent eyeliner.
Consumers reluctant to donate would have to make arrangements with their
local slaughterhouse for a steady supply of hot cow’s blood.
The popularity of leeches has spawned a brisk black market. One company
purchased 10,000 leeches, covered them with acrylic, and sold them as
earrings to unsuspecting consumers. The Peking restaurant in Moscow has
put leeches on the menu as a kind of blood sausage. This menu items has
also shown up in London where diners, who regularly eat sheep brains and
blood pudding, are intrigued by the leech pie.
These incidents have convinced the leech center that its time has come. A
web site, WEARELEECHES.com is planned. It will sell leeches for health,
cosmetic, and other legitimate purposes. Consumers will be able to air-ship
leeches to anyone, anywhere in the world. The center is especially
optimistic about American where consumers perfectly match the leech target
market: overweight men and women who carry a lot of junk in their blood.
The center cautions that leeches are very sensitive and require a lot of
tender loving care. This is the reason why only women handle them at the
Russian plant. Men are too rough and upset the leeches because of the
strong odor of vodka.
The center is trying to train leeches to detoxify the heavy-drinking
Russian male.
To date, the casualty rate has been unacceptably high.
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