For New York's brightest words are no laughing matter--and certainly no picnic.

                                                      Nothing to Crow About


Presumably everyone learned in school that the “word” is not actually the
“thing.” That is, the word is a noise we make when we point to an object.
Crows know it, kids know it, even lonely cows know it. That’s why they all
say moo when facing the south like sheep.

But it appears that the Student Assembly at the State University’s Albany
Campus missed the class on what noise do the politically correct speak
(correct answer: whoosh, as in the wind blowing through a vacuum). 

Seems the head of the SUNY Assembly announced an event to celebrate the
anniversary of Jackie Robinson’s breaking the color barrier  in baseball.
Reaching into his bag of family values the director called the event a
“picnic”--and that started the food fight.

A designated PC quorum assailed this characterization, reminding the
director that “picnic’ was originally used to describe gatherings that
would “pick” a “nic” to lynch.  The PC police, most of them English majors,
were too busy cleansing the language stable that they forget to call
France. If so, they would have learned that “pique-nique” was an event to
which people brought wine, cheese, and baguettes.  If a “picqueter,” from
the French “to prick,” showed up, he or she would have bundled flowers for
the occasion. But if the PC police were at the country table, goodness
knows where this flowery language would take them. And don’t say for a
moment you are in a “picnicky”mood because of the close name identification
with the object of desire. That is, unless Nick really does want to go to
the euphemism with
you.

Unruffled by his stumble in the semantic jungle--and told the lynching
story is an urban legend fanned by the Internet--the director still banned
the word because of the offensive connotation. By this decisive leadership
he joined the ranks of the Washington DC City Council who outlawed
“niggardly” for the same reason, even though it means “parsimonious,”which
was also outlawed  because it was too long and too hard to spell.

The SUNY language committee, intent on making things right, called the
event an “outing,” which displeased gay students.  “Bash” was run up the
flagpole but no one saluted. “Splash” was outlawed because certain
religious groups could not engage in water sports. The committee reminded
event-goers that the celebration would not be by water but to no avail.
“Romp” was too close to the bedroom. “Gathering” was eliminated because of
its religious connotation and suggested a storm was on the way, which
wouldn’t be good for the euphemism. “Hayride” met the same fate because the
straw sometimes pricks and gets under the skin.

The committee decided to hold the event but not name it. Students protested
that they  refused to be nameless and  insisted on an identity, even while
the food was spoiling. A committee member argued that students were “having
a cow” over this euphemism, thus opening another front.

All agreed that it was high time “having a cow” was eliminated from the
language because it was demeaning to animals. They also agreed, if the
event was ever held, no dairy products would be served. Nor wine for that
matter because, at the end of the day, a lynching is nothing to celebrate.