Another Cow Town
The Cow Parade, scheduled for New York City this summer, looks like it will
become a stampede. Cows and cow parts are everywhere, from shoe liners to
hood ornaments. Few ventures have escaped the cattle call. Even durable
Elizabeth Arden has gotten into the game by offering a new robust, fruity
perfume called “Cow’s Breath.” Jane Bryant, designer of clothes for the
full-figured woman, announced a line of lingerie called “Cow Slips,” named
after the fragrant primrose flower, found in meadows across Europe and the
US. The flower is sometimes called “cow dung” because it is also found in
cow pastures. No product is yet chasing this cow name though the Brooklyn
Museum, which knows something about excrement, is considering packaging the
dung in fine lace for liberal donors who give more than $1,000.
The Cow Parade, already held in slaughterhouse towns such as Chicago and
Topeka, features hundreds of mock bovines designed and decorated by local
artists. If the last exhibit in Chicago is any guide, New York is in for a
summer right out of Disney. In the windy city the cows were the lead
players in a month-long bacchanalia or, more appropriately, a dairy
delight. There were cows in high heels and red pumps. In drag, in
threesomes, and in trouble--calves were born without warning. False
accusations of fatherhood were heard around a herd of steers. DNA tests
were demanded. Grieving women could find neither hide nor hair of their
young.
Cow courts were held to try and sentence cowboys for branding, milking, and
butchering cattle. Other animals with equally pressing complaints appeared
as friends of the court. Kangaroos were in great demand. A few cats came to
whine and sulk. Pet food cans came alive with monster tales of barbaric
practices within the dark confines of the thin tin. Cow mimes translated
these nightmare sounds for thousands of confused farmers visiting from
out-of-town.
The Cow Parade in Chicago started harmlessly enough. The original plan
called for kindergarten children to paint “moo” in English, Spanish,
Laotian, and Nordic on the rumps of plastic cows called Daisy, Gertrude,
Rose, and Brunhild. Everything was fine until pranksters scribbled
four-letter words on cow udders and dressed the plastic beasts in bikinis,
hot pants, and linen tablecloths. After that the parade went downhill. It
was open season on the cow.
New York City is already seeing the same trends, even before the cows are
formally on station. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA)
have long been in the vanguard of protests against walking dogs, cats, and
the elderly. PETA is against circuses because children see baby elephants
with their trunks tied to their mothers’ tails. The psychological damage is
apparently profound for both child and calf.
PETA has gotten the jump on festivities by displaying its organizational
cow in front of the Bronx Zoo. Though that is offensive enough for some,
the real complaint comes from those who are upset over the language that
decorates the cow. Words such as castration, penis, bad cheese, sick milk,
and protein pill decorate the five-foot high plastic bovine. To make
matters worse excrement of unknown origin, though probably for the circus,
coats the cow that appears to have rolled around in the meadow once too
often. This sick cow, hardly a fashion statement, wears high heels, carries
a Fendi bag, and has a can of red lead paint for lipstick, Onlookers are
encouraged to paint the bovine’s lips whenever they lose a little sheen. To
date participants have not been careful with the application and Bessie
looks more hideous by the day. Painting the cow town red has taken on an
entirely new meaning.
Cow Parade organizers anticipated they would display 500 cows in parks
around the city and then auction the art cows for charity. This scheme has
worked in a number of cities. However, the cowpokes appear to have
underestimated New Yorkers who have a penchant for invention and talking
too loud, even about cows. Organizers could hardly have anticipated protest
groups using the cover of cow to parade their pet beefs. Already the word
is out before one plastic hoof hits the streets.
The Homeless Action Committee(HAC) has announced a citywide program to
build one-person shelters made of untreated cow hides next to any display
of cow art. HAC is encouraging all homeless to wear cowhides or some piece
of the beast to develop solidarity with these slaughtered millions.
Spokesperson Clarence Little remarked that the “homeless have a lot in
common with the cow. We’re pretty much considered dead meat by the city. We
sell our blood, bodies and soul to get by. If cannibalism wasn’t against
the law, some Yuppie would probably wrap us in plastic and sell us as wild
meat in Brooklyn Heights.”
The Vendors Association of New York has already sent a newsletter to
members suggesting “there’s a lot of money to be made when the cows some
home to roost. We suggest you stop selling roasted nuts and baked potatoes
and concentrate on cuts of pure American beef, no matter where it comes
from.”
The implication is that New Yorkers--and especially tourists from New
Jersey--will be willing to pay big bucks to eat a slice of dead cow while
watching the artistic equivalent quivers under the bright lights of the
city. But that’s not all. Vendors are encouraged to find and sell
everything cow, from hoofs to ears to nose rings to the tourist trade. The
newsletter suggests it doesn’t really matter what animal is used because
once the part is lacquered and buffed, consumer will have no idea what it
is. Naturally, each animal part is expected to carry the label, “Blessed by
the Holy Father.”
City officials are genuinely worried about prospects for mischief. Though
there are too many cats and dogs fouling the streets of the city, few
people want them to end up on a vendor carts dedicated to selling cow
souvenirs.
This interest in cow and available animals parts has leaked out and
rendering plants, usually avoided like the plague because they are really
in the sausage business, enjoy a new-found respect. The Chicago Commodities
Exchange has recorded a surge in value for dismal stocks such as
bloodpudding.com. Demand for icons associated with the Cow Parade suggests
that absolutely nothing will be left on the rendering room floor. However,
this development has sent sausage prices plummeting.
But there is a more fanciful, creative side to the Cow Parade, to be
pursued by people who are not immigrants and don’t have to sell cow junk on
42nd Street to survive. And, as usual, underachieving college students lead
the way. Some students from NYU will construct a cow fish float showing
small whales and porpoises that really look like cows. Students from PACE
will becomes cowherbs for a season, looking like cluster of deep-pink
flowers, while smoking a silky weed. Still others, mainly fraternity guys
from Fordham, will be cowlicks for the entire summer.
Indications are that New York will become just another cow town until the
herd is sent packing. In anticipation of the bovine invasion four-wheel
drive vehicles are being outfitted at great expense with cowcatchers, just
in case the genuine article shows up with the rest of the tourists. The
police will be on high alert with armored personnel carriers and dozens of
cow ponies.
Parade organizers acknowledge they have probably lost control of the bovine
gala. But they are not giving up easily. Since they have registered all
names associated with cows, cow parts, cow diseases, and cow fashion, they
are demanding all engaged in exploiting the cow pay a 15% royalty to defray
heavy staff operating costs.
The thousands of entrepreneurs from around the city who are democratically
engaged in guerrilla cow marketing have promised not to be “cowed.” Some
are even talking about an official Bovine Olympics, but just for healthy
cows. No one is interested in British representatives from the Mad Cow
Herd. The British government has protested this racial slight. David Hogg,
agricultural minister, said that “even the weak and the lowly should be
invited to the cow party.”
The New York Post lamented: “We’ve got a beef with all this cow mania. New
York is beginning to look like one stinking feedlot and the s*** is getting
on our shoes. Is everyone going to make a buck off this poor beast. What’s
next, hot cow blood from slaughterhouses for some new-fangled dot com
cocktail?”
The Vendors Association is looking into this idea..
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