Animal Crackers
In New York City the cows are coming home to roost after a brief stint in
Chicago where down-state farmers paid to have their photos taken with these
bovines in skirts, pumps, and picnic hats. New York, which usually ignores
everything interesting except its own navel, has been equally interested,
startled, and confused by the five hundred cows that have been set loose on
the city like a herd gone wrong.
The cow invasion, bold and widespread enough to stop traffic, tourists, and
graffiti artists, should be meat enough for any small island but New
Yorkers, fiercely competitive, have decided to celebrate animals of all
shapes and sizes. Indeed, the city has become something of a “Paeon to
Beasts.”
The large, helium-inflated Rat that bobs nattily outside of Macy’s might
suggest Disney has improved on its cadre of rodents whose poll numbers with
children have been going down since the parent company outlawed
cross-species dating in its theme parks in the US and France. In truth the
inflated Rat, shiny and hairless with a “Bush for President” button in its
lapel, is actually protesting the conditions of immigrant laborers who are
paid by the Port Authority to buff subway lines by hand between 2-5 am.
This is ostensibly dangerous because the trains are still running and real
rats have a particular liking for diminutive Laotians and Guamanians who
specialize in this work.
The inflated Rat has competition at Rockerfeller Center in the shape of a
giant Puppy carved into a huge prickly hedge that was flown in from
Brattleboro, Vermont on Air Force One. The forty-foot high Puppy, designed
by Jeremiah Koon and funded by the Alpo Pet Food Company, is already
something of a shrine, benefiting from worshippers who leave the Today Show
and St. Patrick’s Cathedral. But to the dismay of police and cleanup crews,
worshippers are bringing real dogs by the thousands to the shrine to rub
against and urinate on the big dog and be blessed by a priest from Pets for
Christ who charges $5 to perform his office.
This fascination with the Big Pup has caused a certain inconvenience.
However, this is nothing compared to the profound economic and
psychological consequences associated with the Chicken Run movie, a
barnyard takeoff of The Great Escape. During its first few weeks the movie
has grossed enought to cover development costs and now is expected to be
shown in every country in the world where chickens face wretched
slaughterhouse conditions.
The problem is that children no longer want to eat chicken. This
inclination has profoundly depressed sales at fast-food restaurants such as
McDonald’s and Burger King who are worried that kids will discover dead cow
meat in Happy Meals. The Beef Council is bracing for a summer of sagging
sales.
Into this political and economic soup comes the Cow Parade, an extravagant
affair that places hundreds of sponsored, decorated cows, throughout the
five boroughs of New York. The distribution is not even as most cows have
found their way into the meadows of Manhattan. Staten Islanders, generally
scorned by their big city cousins, are openly complaining that there is
only one cow on SI. The Bronx, Queens, and Brooklyn haven’t been heard
from.
The Cow Parade objective is to give pleasure and aesthetic delight to New
Yorkers who don’t even stop for funerals. And this is no ordinary herd.
There are clown cows, holy cows, killer cows, chiller cows, herb cows, bird
cows, bridge cows, fridge cows, slip cows, lip cows and whip cows. More
cows are showing up daily, some to replace cows stolen by New Jersey
residents jealous that they only have Holsteins. The city has been promised
royal cows, boil cows, and toil cows. Expect to see star cows, bar cows,
car cows and far-out cows. Look out for moo cows, boo cows, and shoe cows.
Don’t miss the dead cows, bed cows, wed cows, red cows, and well-fed cows.
Be sure to see the lace cows, race cows, mace cows, pace cows, and
in-your-face cows. Don’t forget the show cows, no cows, glow cows, and
give-me-the- dough cows. Consider the work cows, jerk cows, perk cows, and
Captain Kirk cows. Show the kids fat cows, rat cows, splat cows, and
baseball bat cows. By all means find the rad cows, bad cows, sad cows, and
the mad cows, usually found underground.
The Cow Parade seem to have legs. At the end of the summer organizers hope
to sell what’s left of the herd for big cow bucks to be donated to
charities, after an 80% management fee is deducted.
So far, so good. Some cows, especially those who look like pedestrians,
have even managed to stop traffic, especially around Times Square where the
cow population is getting out-of-hand. But the Parade has not stopped
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) for making a stink about
the motives of the cow makers. Spokesperson Jennifer Vache argues that the
Cow Parade “is a thinly disguised plot to make everyone think that cows are
soft and cuddly while we continue to slaughter them by the billions in the
most unsanitary, merciless, murderous environments. What’s next? A Porker’s
Pantomime to justify The Other White Meat?”
Juan Clermont of the Cow Parade responded that “This kind of cow banging by
PETA is beyond the pale. We didn’t start the Parade. I think it began in
Switzerland. And Ms. Vache should remember that cows have been jumping over
the moon for a century, if not longer.”
“We are not talking fairy tales and bedtime stories,” Ms. Vache asserted.
“We are talking about the exploitation of animals in the name of art and
commerce. The Parade ought to show cows on the way to the slaughterhouse.”
Clermont argues that the artists, although sponsored by corporations, were
free to express their visions of the cow. ‘I agree that most of the cows
reflect life in the city but look at the cows in Grand Central that shows
its skeletal side. Or the one on 49th and Sixth Avenue that shows parts of
a cow in a kind of architectural balance. I’ve been told parents had to
rush children to the Disney store after they saw these cows so they could
get a dose of Mickey Mouse. So the Parade does have a dark side.”
And that side could be getting a little darker. Special-interest groups are
lining up to protest certain depictions of the cow. Some don’t take kindly
to the flying golden cow with wings grazing right across from St. Patrick’s
Cathedral. Others have objected to the golden cow near Grand Central
Station. The complaint filed with Parade organizers states that “This
golden cow has as its heritage the golden calf which is anathema to many.
We are appalled that thousands of commuters are invited to worship daily at
the feet of this golden idol that has been associated with loose morals,
social decay and polytheistic cultures.”
Clermont, while sensitive to these concerns, reminds people that the “cow
is intended to be a canvas, where artists, including students, can express
their visions. This is not about race, religion, or sexual preference.
After all, you don’t see any bull in this parade except outside of Wall
Street, and he’s been quiet for a long time.”
Psychologist Dr. Z. Ezzard Darles notes that more communities “are
adopting animals as a symbol of sorts. Missouri is erecting statues of
pigs, Toronto has embraced the moose, and Arkansas the chicken. To be sure,
there is an economic or social dimension to all of this. But psychology
comes into play as well. We see ourselves in the animals we buy and erect.
This is why Paris is so passionate about dogs and
England is enamored of ferrets and horned toads. I am not surprised the Cow
Parade was successful in the sleepy midwest town of Chicago, but New York
is a different matter. If the cows capture the hearts of New Yorkers, the
city could become quieter, slower, and overall more docile.”
Dr. Darles has no plans to take these views of cultural anthropology to the
Bronx.
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