The cow has finally become the centerpiece of an economy that orders to serve.

Dairy.Com


Now that the first wave of dot-com companies, led by highly-paid, Expresso
sucking, Silicon Valley creatives, is essentially dog food--led by
Petfood.com, KittyLitter.bis, and pickupafteryourbeast.squat--the bricks
and mortar core of American business is getting into the Internet game.
With this heartland muscle finally Web-savvy, we can look forward to a
genuine transformation of American industry.  Though we have not heard the
last of the “Pure Internet Play” board game, invented by Harvard MBA’s who
regularly dine on squid, the blue-collar Internet push brings good
old-fashioned values to a technology that has too long been in the hands of
those whose idea of contact sport is golf and tennis.

Leading the blue-collar Internet charge is Wal-Mart which has found that
there is big profit in selling toilet paper, cigarettes, and Iron City Beer
on line. In fact, Wal-Mart has teamed with eBay to auction  inventory of
paper clips, wire coat hangers, and throw-rugs. To date the results have
been “astounding,” in the words of a Wal-Mart spokesperson. “We are
surprised beyond measure at the online purchases of our customers,
especially those who live in trailer parks and ordinarily make most of
their essential purchases at 7-Eleven. We have been very heartened by this
customer loyalty. In fact, since our customers are heavy television
viewers--an average of thirteen hours a day--we have teamed up with all the
networks to deliver to Wal-Mart blue-chip customers all advertised products
 within fifteen minutes of the commercial airing. Of course, this is easier
for feminine hygiene products than for cars, but we make our very best
effort to deliver on each product.”

As eager as Wal-Mart customers are to order online, they are not always
certain about how delivery occurs. A Wal-Mart spokesperson acknowledged
that some buyers expect a Chevy to show up on the hard drive or an apple
pie to flow through the phone line. But these are symptoms of “early
adapters” of technology.

That the Internet is penetrating America’s heartland is no better
exemplified than in the recent formation of Dairy.com, an online company
that is seen as a salvation by milk farmers from Green Bay, Wisconsin to
Salinas, Kansas. But Dairy.com has a very large umbrella, covering milk,
goat cheese, sirloin, and Italian leather. On an obvious level  Dairy.com
will help farmers get the best price for their billions of pounds of milk,
Swiss cheese, and ice cream. Wisconsin farmers have found that sometimes it
is more profitable to sell their yogurt to consumers in Moscow, Russia than
in Moscow, Idaho. 

Dairy.com is just beginning to find its place in the Internet sun. 
Companies such as McDonald’s is looking at this Web site as a way to
increase sales. “There is a huge demand,” says a McDonald’s spokesperson,
“to order online. Our customers are very busy and want fresh product to be
on hand at the local store on demand. Of course, this is not easy. We are
toying with the idea that our customers would buy a “virtual cow”--that is
flesh and blood but  vaguely theoretical--and order parts of the cow on
line, depending on their fancy. For example, if you woke one morning and
wanted a round-turn and two half-hitches, we’d give you a rope. But if you
dreamed of a beef sirloin sandwich, you’ve come to the right place. But
with a little more time we could give you a cow on a rope. Or a roped cow.
We think our customers should be one with the cow from feedlot to
slaughterhouse to dining room table. It all ties together.”

Not surprisingly, Dairy.com has found critics--People for the Ethical
Treatment of Animals(PETA), in particular. PETA has complained that
Dairy.com is not playing by the rules. Apparently PETA has been able to
track actual cows entering the feedlot system but is  baffled by the
virtual cows which exist in cyberspace for all those 7-Eleven customers who
have potential appetites. Based on PETA’s computer analysis, a cow’s fate
is decided by the whim of men watching a Green Bay Packer’s  game in the
fourth quarter. 

According to PETA spokesperson, “It is un-American for Dairy.com to wrap
itself in an American institution--football. Obviously, people are confused
by hamburgers that fly.  People should understand that you don’t throw a
cow, though you could “have a cow” without exerting much energy.”

PETA notwithstanding, it seems clear that cow sites are a wave of the
future. Dairy.com, slaughterhousehive.com, and happymeals.com have found a
way to deliver the full cow to the general population. The power of the Web
allows you to order burgers, leather, and sexual aids at will. 

Dairy.com says it will assume no responsibility for parts of the cow that
end up on your porch or harddrive unsolicited. Ears, tails, and hooves not
included.