Little
Piggies Go to Market
Barnyard animals used to be the stuff of children’s tales. “This little
piggy went to market” used to be a tender game played on a child’s toes
after bath or before bedtime. “Old McDonald Had a Farm” was a sure way to
get a bus-load of girl and boy scouts to summon up strange noises from hay
bales and manure piles.
But no longer.
Cows, pigs, and other household pets have entered the national imagination
and have become carriers of meat and meaning in the press and popular
culture. This site has already reported that the Chicken Run movie has
caused both children and adults to fleet from nuggets and wings, forcing
many smaller chicken joints to go out of business.
McDonalds has responded to the bad chicken press by announcing that all Big
Mac chickens would from now on enjoy 72 square inches of romping room,
rather than the previous 52 square inches. While this is certainly an
improvement, the allotted pecking space for hens and chickens doesn’t even
come close to what the European Union dictates. The EU mandates that all
chickens in the community be free range birds. The EU is also proposing
that Belgium be given over completely to chickens because the country has
the right mix of road grit and selenium in the soil that will help build
stronger bird beaks.
The EU has even more ambitious plans on the drawing boards. One suggestion
is that each country specialize in a free range animal that best suits its
national traits and character. For example, the EU has recommended that
France adopt the horse because the French actually eat a lot of horse meat,
secretly. However, because the people of northern England have been called
“horsy”--”Those equine glands that strut in stinking battle gear”(William
Shakespeare), the French could get a little competition.
The EU has proposed that Germany be home to the domestic pig because that
country has millions of wild boar. Government officials think that mating
the domestic pig with the wild bore could produce a more hardy line of
sausage--and reduce the incidence of swine flu which kills millions of pigs
worldwide each year. Russian has applied for admission to the EU, stating
that it already has more pigs “under roof” than any nation in the world.
Moreover, Russia claims that it produces--and disposes of--more pig waste
than any place except Arkansas, which doesn’t count because razorbacks have
an accent and a strange smoky flavor. Russia also states in its pig
application that it has few rigid environmental controls so can produce
more pigs per hectare than anywhere in Europe, thus feeding the EU’s
appetite for sausage, kolbasi, and links.
The United States seems not to treat animal welfare with the same
sophistication as the Europeans. No one, for example, has yet suggested
that Wisconsin be completely given over to cows, though some visitors think
that already the case in the dairy state. And no one would dare suggest
that the South be formally granted the title of Pig Central though, given
the porkey odors seeping into Virginia and North Carolina, Mississippi and
company might already hold that honor.
Americans, while consuming billions of hamburgers a year, seem quite happy
with humanizing the animals they eat in increasingly greater numbers. For
example, 500 fiberglass art cows are on display in all the boroughs of New
York except Staten Island where it’s been shown that the West Nile virus
can even kill a fiberglass cow. The art cows reflect the psychological and
cultural fantasies of the world’s most lively city. There are moo cows, woo
cows, and baby blue cow but there are not red meat cows (or Hasidic Jew
cows, which where considered inappropriate). That is, cow parade organizers
refused to let participate the cow designed by People for the Ethical
Treatment of animals because it was branded with anti-meat slogans. PETA
took cow parade to court but a Manhattan Federal judge threw out the cause
writing, “This is nonsense. I’m a heavy meat eater who comes from a long
line of meat eaters. I see no relationship whatsoever between these art
cows and hamburgers. This case presents a unique question: whether a cow is
a forum or a forum a cow.” The judge never answered this question but used
60-pages in the process.
Americans are far more comfortable, of course, with litigation than with
legislation. The most recent example is when the Chicken Delight franchise
in Tulsa, Oklahoma, ran an ad with a talking cow who suggested that people
eat more chicken. The local Burger King responded with a talking chicken ad
suggesting people eat more cow. A local vegetarian group ran a television
ad with both a talking chicken and cow who suggested people eat more celery
sticks. A local religious group that considers celery divine food ran an ad
in which a celery talking head suggests people eat more chicken.
So all these animals, vegetables and minerals ended up in a Tulsa courtroom
to fight it out. Each plaintiff will have to answer the question posed by
the judge: “Who rightfully speaks for the animals and vegetables among us?”
This has become a field days for out-of-work philosophy majors who can use
words like “ontology” and “nuance” that they are unable to utter while
driving a taxi. This squabble has also brought out in large numbers, many
from Mississippi, creationists who have reminded the court that even
fiberglass cows and digital chickens are under man’s domain. The presiding
judge, a woman, didn’t take kindly to this characterization of the species
but has given some indication that she will put all animals, real and
digital, under the court’s jurisdiction.
The Disney Corp. has expressed alarm that its primary assets--Mickey Mouse,
Porky Pig, and Bugs Bunny--could in effect become properties of the court.
“This argues against all logic and prerogative associated with patent use,”
argued Simon Jeere, lead attorney for Disney. “The court simply cannot
impose itself in the middle of the creative process. What we do with a pig,
a mouse, a rat or a rabbit is our business. The world’s children depend on
us to feed their fantasies about these creatures.”
While acknowledging this argument, the judge has argued that Disney and
other animators have a responsibility to offer a balanced view of its
creatures . “If you want to show a happy cow, that’s fine. But also show
young chickens having their beaks seared off with a hot blade within days
of birth, to prevent them pecking. Children should know where their Happy
Meals come from.”
Hollywood is up-in-arms over this perceived intrusion into the artistic
process and vows to take any unfavorable ruling to the Supreme Court. “We
are in the business of fantasy, plain and simple,” said Jack Valentino,
Hollywood, Inc. CEO. “The very last thing Americans want is the truth. The
Oklahoma judge is a trained lawyer; she should know that.”
Meanwhile, the EU is applauding this effort by the court to insert its
prerogative in the commercial and artistic sphere.
Since Europe, particularly London, Paris and Rome, are essentially Disney
theme parks, the EU figures it has ample jurisdiction to insist that
various facilities add touches of verisimilitude, in the interest of
cultural and psychological balance.
Such as a slaughterhouse.
Return to Mad Cow humor home page