Beef on a Queen-size bun has taken on a certain majesty--Italian- style.

                                                             Little Cow
Seat



Queen Elizabeth II has caused a stink in Italy where she is on a royal
state visit. Seems her royal majesty tried to get a calfskin-covered toilet
seat, adorned with emeralds and rubies, through customs at Malpensa airport
outside Milano. The imbedded jewels apparently set of airport alarms and
police dogs became anxious when they caught a whiff of the calfskin toilet
seat.

Because the Queen and her entourage were carrying three tons of luggage,
airport activity came to a halt as British officials negotiated with
gun-totting soldiers and airport representatives. Italian government
officials arrived and ended the embarrassment to Her Majesty and Prince
Phillip.

This story did not die because a vacationing British tourists took photos
of the affair with a digital camera and posted them on her Web site
nowbesidethesea.com--after selling first publication rights to the Daily
Mail, a UK tabloid. The press is having a field day. La Repubblica asks
“Why Her Majesty feels the need to bring a toilet seat to a country that
perfected indoor plumbing and gave the world running water is not clear. Is
she afraid of catching something? If she wants a dead animal on her toilet
seat, we would have been happy to shoot one for her. And the roads around
Milano are full of dead animals with expensive Italian hides.”

The British press has not been as civil. The Mirror offered the headline:
“The Royal Flush--Another State Visit Down the Drain.” The more serious
Guardian hoped that the calf skin was not harboring mad cow disease and
putting the seat of royalty at risk. Numerous public interest groups
bemoaned the killing of a calf for royal comfort. Le Monde, echoing an
on-going French concern about the presence of contaminated British beef in
Europe, asked: “Where the Beef?”, speculating that Her Majesty was
illegally importing British beef, carrying it in one of her large handbags.
Buckingham Palace scoffed at the charge and said, rather snippily that “her
Majesty would eat British beef when and where she chose, French misplaced
nationalism and nineteenth century jingoism notwithstanding.”

Italians would have likely forgiven the Queen her quirky toilet habits,
chalking it up to the fact that living on an island encourages strange
habits. But they will not soon forgive her for banishing pasta, garlic and
tomato sauce from the state menus. She has also banned foreign mineral
water, Pino Grigrio, shellfish, rare meat, mauve flowers, and grappa. Her
Majesty has replaced these foods and drinks with Early Grey tea, orange
marmalade, and day-old toast. For her health the Queen carries a box of
homeopathic medicines, a concoction made of bee stingers, snake venom, and
deadly nightshade.

Her Italian hosts are pleased about one significant development.

The Queen will always be wearing gloves.