Frosted Fakes
If your taco shells, pizza crusts, or cornflakes taste a little like the
inside of a grain elevator, don’t be surprised. More than a billion tons of
genetically modified corn squirreled away in 350 grain elevators across the
midwest have found its way into the food chain--and your breakfast bowl and
TV snacks.
In a nutshell, genetically modified corn has been injected--one seed at a
time by low-paid immigrant labor from Mexico--with a protein that protects
against the Arch Enemy Corn Borer, which is only slightly more annoying
than the Social Borer. This corn grows fast--neck high by July 4, requires
no pesticide and doesn’t even sport a beard. The problem is that no one
knows whether genetically modified corn causes allergies, acne, sinusitis
or worse. For this reason seed producers instruct growers to plant this
variety at least 600 feet from the non-modified variety. However, there is
considerable evidence that farmers are co-mingling varieties and even
planting entire crops from the genetically modified strain. The inducements
are great. Not only do farmers save the considerable cost of fertilizer but
yield from the modified variety is on average twice that of the normal
strain. No wonder so much genetically modified corn finds its way to
market.
These developments have created an enormous dilemma for food producers.
Public outcry from advocacy groups such as Green Peace has forced food
companies to recall tons of taco shells and pizza pies. Kellogg has been
singled out, because it’s an all American brand, for manufacturing
‘Frosted Fakes” which, in the words of Tony the Other Tiger are “Grooooss.”
“It’s a disaster,” says a spokesman for General Mills.” If we are unable to
satisfy consumer needs during football season and the World Series, we’ll
all pay a heavy price. This is our bread-and-butter season. After all, how
much beer can people drink?”
As of now GM foods are not a big issue in the states and have not been a
part of the Presidential campaign, except when Al Gore speaks about his
list of accomplishments. On the other hand, in Europe GM food is a very
big issue as it is considered freakish and unnatural. Field trials of GM
crops in the UK and France are being routinely sabotaged, with police
looking the other way. In the UK supermarkets are obliged to label food if
there is any GM component or one is suspected.
“No GM in Me” is a popular tattoo, even among the over-60 crowd in England,
and has become the center of a natural campaign, an emblem of British rage.
Some blood banks refuse to take blood from those who might have consumed GM
food or have known someone who has. Airport security at London airports now
monitors people entering or leaving the UK. Certain genetically modified
proteins can be detected by laser scanners, triggering an alarm and a
commercial about the dangers of these foods by Agricultural Minister Hogg.
Those detected are permitted in or out but there passports are stamped as
are their right forearms with GEM.
Efforts to purge the food chain of these foods embrace the animals kingdom
as well. Cows who have consumed GM feed are summarily shot. Any known to
have consumed GM milk are quarantined for 7 days and then shot. The
quarantine period is shorter if the cow is suspected of descending from a
Mad Cow ancestor.
Even innocent consumers of GM food have become pariahs. Portable detection
units routinely scan people at restaurants, in churches and in public
lavatories. Any one who scores more than 3.5 on the GM scale is not
admitted unless he or she has a note from a doctor. To date civil
libertarians in Europe have turned a blind eye to these practices because
there is such a public outcry against genetically modified food that is
called “ungodly” from the pulpits of all major religions.
Those who support even careful, modest tests of GM food are called “Food
Nazis” in the tabloid press. There is considerable sentiment in the UK and
Germany to detain in protective custody those who insists on advocating
tests that could well change the genetic structure of the European race.
Adding his weight to the argument the Pope put GM food in the same category
as abortion, masturbation, and eating meat on Fridays.
The anti-GM movement is taking on a military look as the European Union’s
Committee to Ensure Pure Food (EPT) has proposed the establishment of a
paramilitary unit that would have the power to raid and burn GM crop trials
across member borders. This is considered a real test of political and
cultural unity.
Biotech companies in the US look on these developments with horror because
they have invested heavily in this crop technology. Brent Sturgis, CEO of
Genetech, decries this “irrational food nationalism coming out of Europe
before these foods can be given a fair chance. Moreover, there is
absolutely no evidence that these foods cause health problems.”
Sturgis is counting on GM foods to satisfy the consumer market at its point
of greatest need--its gut. “We are fairly sure we can grow bigger and
juicier hamburgers and fries with less than half the current calories. We
can grow chips, pretzels and other finger snacks that are much healthier
than exist today. We have every reason to believe that American sports fans
will welcome the opportunity to eat twice as many snacks without a weight
penalty.”
Sturgis is confident that in time Europe will get through its radical phase
of “bone-headed food nationalism and see GM foods as a blessing, not a
curse.”
“After all,” he adds, “all the fat people don’t live in the US. Have you
seen some of the porkers in England lately?”
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