Penguins in
Evening Wear
Penguins on their way to Argentina are being washed up on Rio beaches by
the thousands, startling nude sunbathers and the more advanced celebrants
of summer who think evening wear out of place at the beach which has a
worldwide reputation for dressing down.
No one knows why the penguins made this mistaken landfall, though some wags
suggest even penguins, who are short and walk with a waddle, are not immune
to the beautiful bodies of Rio. But this has not stopped the locals from
scooping up the penguins and taking them home as pets alongside dogs, cats,
and monkeys.
One Rio inhabitant dressed his penguin in a bow tie and taught it to beg
for sardines, like a dog. Another new owner walks her penguin around the
neighborhoods of Rio, stopping frequently to buy ice cubes and Klondike
bars for her pet who is used to less sunny climates. More compassionate
owners take their pets to the beach for a “penguin party.” The penguins are
allowed to go in the water but are unable to swim more than a few meters
from the shore as they are attached to a heavy chain and carefully watched
by lifeguards.
Radio stations have taken up the cause and announce “penguin alert days”
whenever the temperature rises above 24C. Concerned owners, fearful that
their pet penguins are getting too hot, put them in the refrigerator to
cool off. One man left his penguin “on ice” while the man went to Sao Paulo
and the penguin froze to death. Rio authorities are deciding whether to
file charges for neglect.
Kindergartens from Brasilia to Rio have “adopted” penguins in private homes
and in zoos. Children have been featured in newspapers as having no
penguins to adopted. This need has prompted para-military bounty hunters to
invade the Falklands, where the penguins summer, to satisfy the needs of
Brazilian children. Britain has accused Brazil of invading the Falklands
and threatened to send the Royal Navy, as it did against Argentina.
Brazilians joked it would be winter before the British arrived. Margaret
Thatcher is not amused.
A remedy to brighten the lot of penguinless children has come from the US,
where a man has just patented an edible dog and cat card. Though pets can’t
read, they will devour a birthday card tinged with cow’s blood or catnip.
When he heard of the children’s plight in Brazil, the inventor developed a
sardine-laced card that children could send to the penguins or take to the
zoo.
So tasty are these cards that homeless in Sao Paulo have given up eating
dog food and now subsist on sardine penguin birthday cards that have
“fallen off a truck.”
Penguins have become something of a cottage industry. There have been
penguin fashion shows and penguin swimsuit contests. Breeding farms have
been established, though it is difficult to tell the sexes apart, as it is
with turkeys. Penguins have taken on a kind of iconic status, threatening
to become a national religion. Everything associated with penguins is
considered holy. Instead of going to Mass people want to touch the penguin.
Healings have been reported.
Nothing associated with the penguin is without value--or goes unnoticed.
Even what it leaves on the carpet.
Return to Mad Cow humor home page