Cow parts will soon be showing up in a building near you. Listen carefully.

                                                             No Where for
Hides


In Swaziland the theft of sacred cow dung from the temple warrants
newspaper headlines. In Europe you can’t give away cow or anything that is
left of the beast after slaughter. And newspaper headlines abound.

In Europe the chickens have come home to roost in the form of mad cow
disease. What was once thought to be a particular British disease,
self-inflicted by poor diets and equally poor toilet habits,  has found its
way into Europe proper where cleanliness is still next to godliness. 

France discovered that putting cute cow pictures above the meat counter is
not enough to convince the demanding French palate that all is well in the
kingdom of beef. Germany, a nation skilled at making complicated sausages,
is worried that mad cow disease will put people off eating pumpernickel
snout and ginger-soaked gonads.  

The cultural and commercial impact of this threat cannot be underestimated.
Amorous cows that used to roam from France into Spain for an afternoon
meadow delight are stopped at the border for blood tests and neurological
exams--the brain is the first to go. An infected cow brain looks like Swiss
cheese, which is not helping that product either. Switzerland has
complained that it’s reputation is bring hurt by such casual references.

Barbed wire is returning to Europe, reminiscent of the Cold War. Rather
than keep out immigrants and refugees, this new wire keeps out cows and
whatever cows might have been fed. That list is long and could include
sheep, pigs, horses, deer, and domestic pets. Cows are regularly fed the
by-products of other animals. There are rumors that dead indigents,
unclaimed and a nuisance, are finding their way into the food chain. The
European Union’s Minister of Health categorically denies this charge,
saying “Europe is crowded but has not yet run out of burial space.” The
Minister would not comment on reports that gypsies are particularly
vulnerable.
 
Not only is beef piled high on butcher shelves, the nasty by-products of
the slaughtering are having trouble finding a home. During most of the
twentieth century, animals were fed to animals. That is why all cows look
alike and most people look like their dogs. Since only 15% of the cow 
becomes hamburgers and
sirloin, the bulk of the beats is left on the slaughterhouse floor. In the
past these leftovers were either given to workers in the form of bonus or
were fed to other animals. What goes around, comes around. Cows ate sheep.
Sheep ate pigs. Chickens ate chicken feed which contained the animals
kingdom.

When the British slaughtered a billion cow in the mid-90’s, no one gave
much thought to where ash from the cremated cows would go. The south of
England is dotted with mile high cow piles containing the ash of  cows.  
Local residents have complained that the rat population has tripled and
seagulls are much more aggressive after feeding on cow ash.

The market has not been unreceptive to the reuse of hides, bone, spine, and
organs. The British Minister of Transportation has tested a screed-extract
from cow-by-products on winter roads in England. Unfortunately, the roads
became slick and bloody after application of the cow. Some motorists swear
they have heard the plaintive cry of cattle wailing beneath the tires. One
thing is certain: the roads become much slicker and greasy after heavy rain
and snow. 

The preponderance of leftover cow has created genuine logistical problems
for Europe. Since it is no longer acceptable to sell cow parts to Third
World countries, Europe’s forced to become more  enterprising. Cow parts
are regularly offered as a part of the cement mix in Europe and the US.
Natural Living, the company responsible for this promotion, argues that “it
is important to have the spirit of animals in our buildings.”

Less enlightened companies are using this cow tonnage to fill up strip
mines in West Virginia and open sores in the South Bronx. The unscrupulous
are selling these by-products in the form of bone meal to Latin America.

The more enlightened envision a time when the cow is found in all consumer
products. The presence is sacramental. We take the body and the blood of
the beast and mix what’s left with hamburger helper. Psychologist  Shelden
Woorst  sees a silver lining and suggests that the “cow population is
currently being tested by fire. We could learn from these beasts. They give
themselves totally to us.”

Woorst thinks we can honor the cow by donating our own organs after death.
Everyone is eligible.

Except regular eaters of beef.