Prairie Oysters Will Be One of the Delicacies at the Bush Inaugural Ball

                                                 Good Times in Meat Space


At the head of the inaugural parade next week will not be a giant bull, as
the networks have reported, but a much more matronly cow with full udders
and a come-hither look. “Born in the USA” will be stenciled on her flanks. 


The symbolism could hardly be more obvious. President-elect George W. Bush
,who deep down wanted the bull to show the way, has deferred to his
advisors who suggested the cow would project a softer, more maternal image.
This is the first in a series of initiatives aimed at shoring up support
among young suburban women who voted 75% to 25% in favor of Al Gore. 

Having a cow front and center underscores the fact that, by and large, the
new, top-tier leadership is represented by heavy meat-eating males. The
meat industry could not be more pleased. It is no accident that Bush and
his advisors frequently have been spotted in Morton’s steak house eating
the 10-lb Texas sirloin. Indeed, the vetting process included questions
about diet. Vegetarians are frowned on in the Bush administration because
they tend to act cowardly and do not display the necessary red-blooded
tendencies, such as support of the death penalty, the right to bear arms,
and militant school prayer. Vegetarians are thought by the new executive
team to be against capitalism because they don’t support the biggest
business in America--fast food. There will be no tofu in the new White
House.

But there will be other delicacies, consistent with the Administration’s
desire to show that culinary sophistication is not only found in Paris and
New York. Texas can bring a few items to the table. Texas chef Grady Spears
plans to send a 5-pound box of “calf fries”--or deep-fried bull
testicles--to the White House.  “Calf-fries”, also known as “prairie
oysters”, were apparently a favorite at the Bush governor’s mansion.
Prairie oysters will be a staple at all inaugural events.

The promotion of eating animals glands, roundly cheered in Texas and
Wyoming, is causing some heartburn in the medical community. The American
Medical Organization(AMO) is on record that the “consumption of animals
glands is not to be advised because that is where  viruses are likely to
cluster.”
The AMO acknowledges that this advisory is “cautionary, reflecting
worldwide concern about the safety of animals glands.”

The concern, of course, is about mad cow disease, which has affected
millions of cattle in Europe and has affected, it seems, scores of humans,
though no ones seems to know exactly how. Mad cow disease ravaged the
British cattle industry, prompting the destruction of every adult cows. Now
the disease has been verified in Germany, France, Portugal, and elsewhere.

There is no evidence that mad cow disease is in US herds. However, the
practice of feeding cow parts to live cows as protein, which is widely
believed to have been the cause of the disease in Europe, is still
practiced in the US. Slaughterhouses are subject to a “voluntary ban” on
this practice which seems to be largely ignored.

Therefore, the AMO is unhappy that the Bush administration might be
promoting the consumption of animal glands, such as brain, spine, and
gonads. Even more disconcerting to this organization is the prospect of
McDonald’s and other fast food chains putting spinal cords and prairie
oysters on their menus. People take notice of what a President eats.
Equally troubling is that school lunches could start serving slaughterhouse
waste as high-protein food. The Agricultural Department has long used
school lunch 
programs as a dumping ground for subsidized produce they could not sell.

In a press release the AMO notes that the “new Administration has an
obligation to support policies that are consistent with the findings of the
American Heart Association. Central to the AHA recommendations is that the
eating of bull testicles and cow cheeks is to be discouraged. Although
there is no evidence that mad cow disease has contaminated US cattle, the
leader of the free world should take no chances. People should remember
that mad cow disease leaves the brain looking like Swiss cheese.  You
cannot lead the free world with only half a brain.”