Medieval
Madness
Europe hasn’t experienced such hysteria since the Black Plague. Indeed,
that continent is beginning to look positively medieval., which is not hard
to do considering all the old churches and cute little towns.
First there was mad cow disease which was most likely caused by feeding
animals to each others in little purple protein pills. Then the disease
jumped the species barrier to humans, which is not surprising because cows
are pretty good jumpers. Most of the 80 deaths in the UK could have been
prevented if the government had come clean with consumers and acknowledged
the dangers in the early 1990s. Not only did the British government remain
suspiciously quiet, it also approved the sale of hundreds of tons of
contaminated feed to the rest of the world, particularly Third World
countries. British government officials have asked rhetorically, “Is it
better for Ethiopians to die of hunger or mad cow disease.” It was
fortunate for the British that the Ethiopians were engaged in a senseless
war with Eritrea when the remark was uttered. The Ethiopian foreign
minister said, only half in jest, that cannibalism is preferable to filthy
British beef. Eritreans have protested this remark to the United Nations.
Even as Britain was trying to dispose of the ash from hundreds of thousands
of burnt cow carcasses--destined for landfills in New Jersey, USA--mad cow
disease was diagnosed in French cows. The French tried to soften the blow
to consumers by calling the disease la vache follie, which didn’t work
because most people living in France can speak French. American tourists,
however, thought the disease was a new kind of cabaret.
Germany fared no better because the word, mad cow, itself is long and
forbidding--Kronkheitkuhverruckt--and really dominated newspaper headlines.
As the French had to give up cow brains as an urban delicacy, Germany had
to give up blood sausages made from parts of the cow that fall to the
slaughterhouse floor and into the retention drain. German mood has become
much more nationalistic since the country has been denied this weekend and
holiday treat. France and Belgium are watching this development closely.
Just when the continent thought it had completed the task of slaughtering
and incinerating thousands of suspect cow, Britain reports a serious
outbreak of foot-and-mouth disease, carried on the hooves and snouts of
cows, pigs, and sheep. Though not usually harmful to humans, it can
decimate young cattle and sheep. Moreover, the disease is very contagious
and can be spread on shoes, clothes, and even the wind. France in
particular is afraid an ill wind will blow this British outbreak across the
Channel. Military officials In Paris have suggested building another
impenetrable Maginot Line.
Britain has responded with draconian measures. Zoos have been closed,
country walks forbidden, and blowing air kisses to loved ones and neighbors
has been outlawed by an emergency act of Parliament. The St.Patrick’s Day
parade in Dublin has been canceled as authorities fear all the hoofing and
mouthing in honor of the green will spread the disease.
Throughout the UK dog walking has been banned, which has not pleased this
nation of shopkeepers and dog lovers. Some people in Crouch End, north
London, have reportedly thrown dog excrement on local enforcers.
No one can leave or enter a house without stepping in a bucket of
disinfectant, which can be troublesome if you are wearing dress shoes.
Postal carriers are sprayed before they come close to a dwelling to deliver
mail. Milk men are not welcome.
Throughout the British countryside strange totems and effigies are being
erected, apparently in hopes of discouraging this wind-born disease. In
Hythe, England there are reports of sacrificial offerings of household
pets. The Archbishop of Canterbury has denounced this descent into
paganism.
British tourists might as well stay home. On arriving by air they are
culled and put in quarantine for twenty-four hours. Their clothes are
burned and their luggage confiscated. They are obliged to purchase a new
wardrobe from vendors set up within the custom’s area. Prime Minister Blair
has denounced this practice as usury and said Britain will retaliate in
kind. This threat has not prevented Thailand from threatening British
tourists carrying ham or beef sandwiches with two years in jail or a $875
fine. This is especially onerous for young British men who travel to
Thailand on the cheap looking for teenage brides and virginal consorts.
International health officials are alarmed because foot-and-mouth diseases
can be spread in most subtle ways. For example, last year pigs in South
Africa ate kitchen waste from a ship that arrived from Asia and docked at
Durban. The pigs contracted the disease and spread it to other livestock.
South African immigrants to the UK who carried ham sandwiches from infected
swine for relatives in Enfield, England, probably spread the disease
there. And so on.
No country is taking any chances. Germany is slaughtering any animals that
look faintly British or speaks with an accent. Ghettoes have been
established. Zoos across Europe are closed. Mating is prohibited. Monkeys
have been forbidden to groom each other.
Now a new threat looms--blue tongue, a viral disease that affects sheep and
other livestock. The disease reduces oxygen supply to the tongue which
swells and turns blue. The animal can’t eat or breathe and tends to waste
away.
In light of this danger, new customs are springing up around Europe and the
globe. Instead of extending a hand, a way of showing an individual has no
weapon, people are sticking out their tongues, demonstrating they are not
diseased.
The person who doesn’t show or give tongue on demand is shunned and
banished from the community.
Authorities worldwide hope this practice leads to a new openness among
nations.
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