A Cloven-Hoofed Englishman Consorts with Cannibal Cows

Foot-and Mouth Brown


The media has reported widely that an Englishman has contracted foot and 
mouth disease. Apparently the gentleman was disposing of a culled cow when 
the animal, by now a collection of methane gas and rain-matted hair, 
literally blew up in his face, giving the wide-open chap, a variation of 
mouth disease. He reportedly infected his limb when he firmly planted his 
foot in his mouth, not satisfied with half of a famous disease. Now he was 
ready for prime time.

The gentleman, Mr. Torrence Brown from Wilding, a hamlet southwest of 
Hythe, Kent quickly became a media darling. Everyone knew that mad cow 
disease had jumped the species barrier, killing nearly one hundred people, 
mainly in the UK. This is a tragic story, to be sure but not one the media 
has passionately embraced. One reason is that people with mad cow disease 
have little interest in talking to reporters or commenting ironically in 
the sad state of British culture. But not so foot and mouth Brown.

On The Breakfast Show, a popular morning chat-up, Mr. Brown caused a stir 
by kissing host Pamela Harker -Jones squarely on the lips. She recoiled, 
spat away the offending fluid, and went to a commercial. When the show 
returned Ms. Harker- Jones went to great pains to explain that the scene 
was rehearsed and was offered to underscore an ethical point. Foot and 
mouth disease, Ms. Harker Jones explained, could not be spread between 
humans by deep kissing, sexual contact, or sharing the same cigarette. To 
make her point she smoked a pack of Players cigarettes and shared each butt 
end with Brown without incident.

Not to be outdone, Mr. Brown sliced his right wrist on camera and drank 
blood that spurted from his vein, declaring that, contrary to reports, the 
British blood supply is safe. Ms. Harker-Jones declined the invitation to 
cut and dine.  But she did agree to rub shoulders with a foot and mouth cow 
that was part of the studio audience comprised largely of farmers who 
lovingly tossed cows on funeral pyres, then faced the British public with 
deep melancholy written over their faces. The cows in a studio audience, a 
little red around the mouth and hooves, seemed oblivious to the fuss.

Torrence Brown was thoroughly enjoying his fame, so much so that he was 
accused by the tabloids of questionable acts with suspect cows to literally 
"milk" the disease. Foot-and-mouth Brown counters that he now feels a 
kinship with these animals and what he has done is no worse than 
"French-kissing your Irish setter, " a common rural activity, especially 
during the winter.

F & M Brown, who never met a cow he didn't like, has become something of a 
philosopher/spokesman for everything from dairy subsidies to Anglo-French 
relations. In an interview with the Manchester Guardian Brown states that 
the disease, which has given him bed sores and mouth ulcers, has also given 
him a unique perspective on what he calls the "mongrel British culture 
that, for all its love of frogs and snail darters, has presided over one of 
the worst national calumniates since the Black Plague. We have ground up 
cow remnants, road kill, dead pets, and unclaimed cadavers into protein 
pills which we fed to vegetarian cows. All this so the British families 
could have their Sunday afternoon roast"

Brown is understandably upset that British Prime Minister Tony Blair has 
declared the foot-and mouth epidemic over. The British public is expected 
to turn its attention to the Royal Family and the Jerry Springer Show. 
Apparently Brown will have something to say about that. He promises to 
remain a walking respository of foot-and-mouth, no matter the cost or the 
danger to his health. He say there are enough rotting cow carcasses 
scattered throughout Britain to easily provide enough infectious material 
for a decade.

F & M Brown claims his actions should not be considered a publicity stunt. 
He wants people to remember that the "Plague, mad cow disease, and the 
foot-and-mouth epidemic are the result of a massive cannibalization of the 
culture.  It's a dog-eat-dog world."

Brown has attracted something of a following largely comprised of those who 
burn GM fields, ransack McDonalds, and protest the price of football 
tickets.  He plans to keep the F&M virus alive by purposely infecting his 
followers who threaten to consort with cows in the UK and around the world.

When reminded that there are laws in the UK against consorting with cows, 
Brown asked whether anyone has taken a good look at the British population 
lately.