Dancing bulls in tights and death masks are coming to town.

                                                        American Bull


The bulls are running again in Pamplona. And tourists who run with the
beasts are getting gored in record numbers.  Among the bleeders are a high
percentage of Americans who can’t seem to get the hang of running over wet
cobblestone streets that have been laced with mustard, cheap champagne, and
body fluids. For some reason the Spanish and other Europeans are much more
comfortable on these surfaces. Except the English; they get gored at a
higher rate than Americans. The Brits learned years ago its better to drink
beer under the noonday Spanish sun than rest uncomfortably under a bull’s
noonday belly.

The bullfight, as metaphor and fact, has been problematic for Americans
since Hemingway articulated the aesthetic of this gruesome sport.
Americans, who would rather watch studio wrestling and NASCAR racing, have
struggled with the sport for decades. Some Americans think the activity
brutal and have petitioned the World Court in the Hague to abolish the
activity as it has abolished slavery, except in certain African countries.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals(PETA) has petitioned Budweiser
to stop advertising at these events. Budweiser has responded it is not
illegal for bulls to drink beer (or bears for that matter--another
Budweiser venue).

Americans of Spanish-descent living in the Southwest of the United States
have kept the sport alive. However, there is no brutality. The bull is not
prodded and poked before the bullfight; the animal is kept in an
air-conditioned trailer with the usual amenities, including finger
sandwiches and mineral water. If it wishes, the bull can send in a
replacement if it doesn’t feel like chasing a scantily-dressed Spaniard
around the ring.

Once in the ring the bull cannot be mistreated. If the crowd is too
pro-matador, the announcer will stop the proceedings until there is a
little more fairness in the air. The bull is allowed to take at least four
15 minutes breaks during which he can mate, get his hide polished, or clown
for the crowd. Once the bullfight is underway the matador is permitted no
more than six passes--veronicas--at the bull. He is not allowed to insult
the bull or the bull’s immediate family.  

The bull’s horns are covered with tape so there is little chance the
matador will suffer more than a scratch on his inner thigh. The bull is not
likely to suffer much either. The matador prepares the bull for the supreme
thrust--a squirt with a paint gun between the eyes. The worst that can
happen is  the bull is allergic to the paint. Men dressed as clowns are on
hand to hose down the bull and return it to a dairy farm with thanks for a
job well done. No wonder bulls are signing up for this billet.

Spanish  newspapers are lamenting that their cousins in Tucson have
corrupted the sport by embracing a suffocating political correctness.
Hernando Luis Hernando, chief international correspondent for Madrid’s
Duende, is quite blunt: “Spanish Americans who organize bullfights have
abandoned the metaphor, the ritual, and the meaning. Instead they get fat
at these meaningless bullfights eating hot dogs and drinking
beer. Where is the passion?

“Does no one remember what Carlos Villalba, that famous Venezuelan writer
on bullfighting, wrote on the death of Heidegger in 1976. He said that the
bull’s two horns tell us more about death than all the philosopher’s work
on Being and Death. He said that philosophers do not know what they are
dealing with when they talk about death. On the other hand bullfighters,
the image-makers of death, are the true masters to impart instruction on
the initiation into death.

“American bullfighting has lost all this majesty and philosophical
significance. Instead McDonalds, the greatest killer of dumb cows ever,
sponsors the bullfight. Their Happy Meals have a smiling bull on the
cardboard box. McDonalds is sponsoring a contest to name the cutest bull of
the season. This is a travesty. This has no connection to culture. It’s
another marketing campaign. The bullfighters have no interest in the sport.
They want to use these complacent bulls as a stepping stone to Hollywood.”

Precisely! There are plans to take this “simplified bullfighting” on the
road, like arena football.  Advertisers are falling over themselves to buy
space at the arena, on the matador, and especially on the bull and the
muletta (cape). It seems likely that the World Wrestling Federation (WWF)
will take the lead in bringing this activity to communities across America.

Look for Senor Bull to wrestle Mr. Death in a stadium near you.