Cow are being harvested to make weepy Milanese models even more milky and pouty.

                                                        The Next Big Thing 
  

ABC “Overnight,” the radio programs that deals with “Spooks, Chimeras, and
Illegal Aliens,”  has reported there has been an outbreak of cow
mutilations around Laramie, Wyoming. According to on-air talent Dale Bumper
“cows have long been the target of bored teenagers and  drunken ranchers
with itchy trigger fingers. This is considered good, clean fun in the West.
And you’d be surprised. Cows are not all that easy to hit from a Ford
Ranger driven  by a spaced-out teenager.”

So popular has this sport become, especially after football games, that
local PTAs have funded cardboard cut-out cows that can be used for shooting
practice. They are placed near the road so sportsmen won’t even have to
leave their trucks. And the fake udders serve as a receptacle for empty
beer cans. Portable urinals are also provided.

But this new sport of cow mutilation has raised fear and concern among
ranchers throughout the West.  First, there is no evidence of how the
downed cow died--no signs of bullets or trauma. Second, the cow’s eyes,
mucous membranes, anus and tonsils have been surgically removed. Third,
there are no signs of activity around the carcass--no tire marks, boot
prints, or discarded surgical gloves.

Not surprisingly, this surgical mutilation of cows has dominated late-night
talk radio more than the Condit affair or President Bush’s faith-based
initiative. “Overnight’s” Dale Bumper has heard his share of cow stories
but doesn’t think this recent outbreak is a teenage prank. “No way kids are
involved in this. Hell, they can’t even cut up frogs in biology class
without the poor buggers bleeding to death. I’ve looked at some of these
mutilated cows and think it would take an eye surgeon to remove the eyes
from the cavities without even nicking an eyebrow. There’s someone fishy
going on.”

There is no absence of theories.. Dr. James Hill, professor of Dairy at
Mormon State in Salt Lake City, thinks it odd that the mutilators would
concentrate on the eyes and soft tissue areas. “Actually, we should not
label this activity a mutilation of cows. We should call it a harvesting of
particular cow organs. The removal have been very precise and medically
correct. I don’t mean to be an alarmist but we know from the European
experiences that mad cow disease tends to reside in soft membranes such as
the eyes, tonsils, and anus , and this is the focus of the harvesting. Of
course, there has been no trace of mad cow disease in US herds but we can’t
ignore this connection. Perhaps someone wants to learn more about the
genetic vulnerability of American herds.”

So why should someone  harvest these sensitive organs that would have
little market or medical value? Dr. Hill is not sure. “At first I thought
vet students might be involved  in a version of the scavenger hunt--whoever
harvested the greatest number of cow anuses wins the prize. But the areas
affected have been over 10,000 square miles that a prank doesn’t seem
likely. Medical students are not that energetic.”

Callers to overnight are not as circumspect. One caller suggested the
culprit was a space alien who targeted cows because, in the west, cows are
more numerous than people. Harvesting these vital organs would give an
alien a clear sense of the human DNA which would determine whether we have
anything in common with residents of Mars. This would certainly explain the
lack of tire marks and surgical gloves.

Another caller suggested these organs were delicacies among some Asian
groups who are increasingly taking up residence in the American West.
Bumper responded he knew no diet that included a cow anus. He reminded his
caller that seal penises are an Asian delicacy and as far as he knew, no
one would mistake a cow for a seal. Not even a drunken rancher.

A caller from Iraq suggested that Islamic terrorists were developing a
biological agent that could be used against the vast US dairy herds and
needed samples for lab work. By this theory terrorists would target where
America is most vulnerable--in the bread basket. Once the hamburger supply
was interrupted, there would be panic and eventually an overthrow of the
government. Soccer Moms would lead the way because the endless supply of
Happy Meals would be curtailed and their hungry children would be
unbearable. Teenage unemployment would skyrocket because McDonnell’s and
Burger Kings would close.  

A caller from China saw nothing particular unusual about these incidents.
He said “it is common practice to harvest organs in China, from both the
living and the dead. After all, everyone knows this is the reason China
executes thousands of people each year--to harvest organs and sell at
inflated prices to the west.”

The caller theorized that the harvesting of cow organs was undertaken by
misguided Chinese agents who thought, because of all the attention to cows
in America and Europe--cow parades, Happy Meals, cow calendars, and cow
shoes--Americans in particular are becoming more cow-like. The caller
thinks that before too long big, milky cow eyes will be offered on the
black market to models who want an advantage on the increasingly
competitive runways of the world. For the full-figured model udders could
replace breasts. And who would not be interested in full, pouty cow lips.

Bumper thanked him for his long distance remarks but wasn’t quite sure
where the anus fit in.