A More Perfect Union
The European Union was founded on the principle that is better to kill each
other with bureaucracy rather than with bullets. The EU seems to be making
good progress, especially when it comes to sharing the wealth. Nanny
institutions are being established throughout the current and future EU
(why South Africa should be included in the future design is anyone’s
guess).
Most countries gladly share in the pork. In Athens the Center for Study of
Usury has been established, giving new meaning to “Beware of Greeks Bearing
Gifts.”
Meanwhile, Ankara, Turkey has been given the honor of studying the
architecture, cost, and ontology of the Trojan Horse, which has not made
the Greeks happy. The Greeks and Turks just finished a messy war over where
the classical Greek period actually took root.
Vienna, Austria has been given the right to establish a Center for the
Study of Racism, which should not suffer from a lack of participants or
scholarship. Germany will share the rotating directorship.
To help Iraq rejoin the family of nations, the EU governors have voted that
Baghdad would host a preliminary conference on the use of biological agents
for peaceful purposes. It is assumed that the Kurds will have front row
seats for this extravaganza. The US has protested loudly, claiming the
Iraqis will host seminars at missile sites and, in effect, use attendees as
human shields. The US still reserves the right to bomb these installations,
according to the State Department.
Under the “chairmanship” of both Arabs and Israelis, Jerusalem has been
given the task of hosting a conference on “The Historical Imperative and
the Use of Deconstructionism in Solving Local Conflicts.”
All religions have been invited. Christians feel slighted and argue this
is a thinly disguised, ridiculously academic way to bring the warring
parties together. As one EU politician remarked, “Does Arafat even know
what deconstructionism is?”
Paris has been awarded the right to holding ongoing seminars on
“Multiculturalism and Minor Languages in an Emerging Europe.” Quebec will
be one off-site location. Algeria will also be included, depending on the
temper of the current civil war. French Equatorial Africa will also be
included if EU researchers can find their location on old colonial maps.
The United Kingdom, which is the epicenter of mad cow and hoof and mouth
diseases, has been nominated as the Center to Promulgate Animal Husbandry.
The first seminar in Leeds, England will address the most efficient ways to
identify, kill, and burn a million cows during a long weekend--without
increasing the dioxin level in the atmosphere. Attendance is expected to be
high as participants will have the option of killing and burning a few
cows, depending on where the delegates come from (Established EU members
will be awarded the lion share of kills. Delegates cannot transfer killing
rights from one country to another--EU Rule 1992M8Y007).
Hungary will host the 2003 “Gypsy Olympics” where representatives of the
178 Roma clans from across Europe will gather to play chess, put on
circuses, and participate in events that stress their tactile abilities. No
money will change hands. For the competition all walls erected to separate
gypsies form the rest of the population will be torn down. Hungary and
Slovakia will hold some events.
As the EU hands out its largesse, the organization still struggles to find
a symbol that could serve to unite all member countries. In designing the
Euro engravers went to great length to use generic images on the bank
notes, such as a bridge to nowhere. Though this was quite necessary to
avoid any nationalistic flare-ups, the EU still seeks a central image that
can unite the organization.
Someone suggested a bureaucrat in Brussels getting fat on the tax money
from individual countries, but it was dismissed as too common.
Someone else suggested the Euro brat, child of the bureaucrat who takes his
place at the Brussels feast. The image was also rejected because it
suggested the brat, driving a sports car and talking on a cell phone,
looked too much like the parent
Another suggestion, based on the famous Brussels statue of a young boy
urinating, is under serious consideration.
Of course, the eyes would have to be masked to obscure his identity.
This might not be enough for some countries that argue such an image would
make the EU the laughing-stock of the world. A real “pisser”, in the words
of one veteran diplomat.
Latvia doesn’t think so.
It is the new Center for the Enlightened Use of Human Waste.
The Latvian government has already asked Brussels’ support in outlawing
jokes about its contribution to the EU.
As a part of its outreach program, a hearing will be held by the EU in
China.
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