Return of the
Cow
The Mad Cow Association (MCA) of Great Britain and Northern Ireland,
dedicated to the promulgation of worthy news about this devastating
disease, is not happy.
First, a Scottish scientist reported that “mad cow” might not be a disease
after all, just a random reorganization of brain chemistry caused by heavy
consumption of cheese, beer, and pub food. One recommended cure -- being
less British--has caused an uproar in New Zealand and Belfast, prompting
cries of racism. This issue was discussed at the recent Racism conference
in South Africa along with reparations for slavery and global affirmative
action.
Then came the anthrax outbreaks from New York to Rio. which pushed mad cow
disease off the front page. Even the recent outbreak in Japan, which was
initially treated as if the Prime Minister was again visiting a Shinto war
shrine, is just another meat and potatoes story.
No wonder the MCA is upset. Not only is the organization out of the news,
but donations have dropped off precipitously. Spokesperson Y.A. Tittle’s
fear is that “mad cow will become another historical footnote like the
Black Plague.”
The MCA has taken out full-page advertisements in the London Times and
Manchester Guardian reminding readers that mad cow disease is as British as
boiled beef and carrots and suggested a down-grading of the disease was an
attack on British identity and industry. “The French have their diseases
and we have ours,” trumpeted the ad. “Don’t let an outbreak of anthrax
terrorism take the sting out of mad cow disease.”
The initial response to the MCA advertising campaign was shock and disgust.
Prime Minister Tony Blair interrupted his Middle East shuttle to remark
that the ads “Take the British sense of fair play to a new low. I
completely reject the notion that mad cow disease is part of the genetic
makeup of the British nation.. It is preposterous to suggest that the
British nation has a special relationship with cows.”
Just when the MCA was to be stricken from the Queen’s list of worthy
charities, the organization got a reprieve. Abdulah Johnson, professor of
diseases and culture at the University of Trenton, reported in the Trenton
Times that there “is compelling evidence of a relationship between mad cow
disease and the recent anthrax attacks. The chemical makeup of anthrax is
remarkably similar to a cross-section of a slaughtered cow’s brain. And the
structure of the respective proteins bears a striking similarity to the
head of Bert, the Muppet character.”
The science community has dismissed this claim as nonsense and unworthy of
public discourse. Professor Johnson is not deterred. “The New York Times
and other media have been speculating on why pro-Taliban protesters in
Bangladesh displayed Bin Laden posters--and a poster of Bert the Muppet. No
one has fully explained this phenomenon. The protesters obviously have no
interest in offending Bin Laden because he would order them killed. There
must be another explanation.”
Professor Johnson’s explanation is that the Muppet character is a perfect
way for the Taliban to communicate with operatives around the world because
the image of Bert is considered harmless and is likely to escape detection.
Johnson’s guess is that terrorists are taking a new tact, using images of
contemporary Western culture to communicate their next targets. He suggests
that authorities keep a particularly close eye on Mickey Mouse, Donald
Duck, and Elmer Fudd. And the academic is not planning any trips to Disney
World.
But what about the relationship between mad cow and anthrax? Professor
Abdulah Johnson thinks terrorists in the north of Britain years ago
injected mad cow spores into cows brains while the animals were sleeping.
When asked how could this be accomplished, given the number of cows in the
UK, he responded: “Have you counted the number of Muslims in the north of
England.”
The theory behind Professor Johnson’s theory is that the objective was to
make the beef crazy British nation go “wobbly” to use Margaret Thatcher’s
term. In time Europe would go wobbly too, as would Japan and China, which
has become addicted to meat. Soon the people eating one cup of rice a day
plus any food stolen form UNICEF would rule the world. The rules would be
simple. Men would wear turbans and carry guns. Women would wear sheets
over their heads. Cartoons would be outlawed.
Y.A. Tittle acknowledges this theory is a little wacky but has no arguments
with the increase in donations and the re-thinking of mad cow disease. “For
all I know,” he says, ”the Taliban could have invented the Black Plague.”
Professor Johnson has some ideas about this and promises “they are in the
mail.”
Return to Mad Cow humor home page