The Cows of Tora Bora
The New Scotland Yard reports that terrorists might be connected to the
outbreak of mad cow disease in the UK ten years ago. Constable Reginald
Pork, with the Brighton anti-terrorist unit, told The Times of London that
British Security “is reconsidering the entire genesis of mad cow disease in
light of evidence found in the Tora Bora caves in Afghanistan. American
Special Forces report--and have photographed--cow calendar pinups, as it
were. Guernseys seem to be a particular favorite and we are keeping an eye
on the global herd. The Brittany herd also got some attention but our
Cross-Cultural Task Force thinks there might be some confusion with the
famous American singer.
“We really don’t know what to make of it. Our Islamic Task Force says the
calendars could not represent idolatry because the Koran forbids that
practice and, anyway, criticized the Jews for worshipping golden calves. As
far as we know, the Taliban weren’t into the practice of bestiality, though
from a lay man’s point of view those blokes seemed pretty hard on women. We
do know the cows weren’t wearing burkas or not covered in any way like the
American Lady of Justice when she stands in front of Attorney General
Ashcroft.”
Pork said his task force is not so concerned about the cows photographs
themselves, though he acknowledged the press is having a field days. It
seems this was announced in the British press the same time the American
Sports Illustrated bathing suit edition was published. This prompted more
than a few British cracks about how British men prefer their women, which
has been the only subject for weeks on the daily chat shows.
But Pork is more concerned with the various diagrams and notations found on
the calendars and photographs. “We have taken note of the various sketches
connecting the udders to the brains and the lips to the hooves. We think
this could be code or it could mean the Taliban had magic markets and some
time on their hands. We think the former. Our Code Breakers Task Force
suggests, since the emphasis seems to be on the cow’s brain in samples
found in a variety of caves, tunnels, and outhouses, that area is the
target. “We don’t know exactly why or how but that’s our focus. We do know
that, despite all the warnings, the British still have an appetite for cow
brains on toast. Bangers and mash and cow brains is still a pub favorite.
“But we are getting into fiction here and must be careful. Accordingly, we
consulted our Task Force on Possible Scenarios comprised of redundant
Literature and Philosophy PhDs which suggested the heavy cow brain markings
indicate anger and that the terrorists were returning to the subject,
somewhat agitated. The thinking of our scenario sketchers is that mad cow
disease wasn’t due to bad British toilet habits, as some of the
unfriendlies have suggested. It has nothing to do with cows eating a ripe
mixture of human and cow cadavers during the Black Plague as part of the
huge island-wide cleanup program. And it has nothing to do with the
deep-seated psychological desire of the British people who, weary of
looking like horses, wanted to look more like cows. That is, you are what
you eat. The Freudian psychologists on our panel surmise that this national
turning away from horse to cow is a movement in the direction of the
Feminine which is common in Europe where younger men are growing nipples
and welcoming adipose tissue.”
“However interesting these theories might be, our under-employed PhDs think
the answer is far simpler and more sinister. They think mad cow disease is
a biological agent produced and perfected in an unbombed laboratory in
Badgered in the late 80s. While Western intelligent was paying attention to
Iraq’s nuclear program and its big guns (Big Bertha) --all
diversions--Saddam perfected the mad cow spore which was carried by
innocent Kurds fleeing to the UK. Recall the Kurds were exposed to mustard
gas attacks. Along with the mustard came mad cow spores that infected
people and livestock. The latter was smuggled into the UK by grateful Kurds
as a gift to their sponsors in Britain. We don’t know how many Iraqi agent
were part of that exodus.”
“What we do know,” Pork points out, “is that these Iraqis immediately got
jobs as slaughterhouse assistants, cow herders, goat watchers, hay balers,
seed merchants, and tanners in the north of England where there is a
sizable Muslim population. Our current thinking is that mad cow outbreak
was a terrorist attack on British beef carried out by a Muslim Fifth Column
in the north of England in the pay of Baghdad. I should note that at that
time, British Beef was a proud global institution desired on every
continent. Our bulls sired millions of offspring a year around the world.
What better way to infect the world population.”
“Our scenario chasers think the terrorists underestimated the resilience of
the British herd and the British people who had both been eating such bad
food for centuries they were basically immune to the assault. It’s as if we
had been poisoning ourselves so we could survive the Mad Cow Blitz. We
think the drawings coming from Tora Bora indicate that the terrorists plan
to have another go at us.”
And what do the Scenario Chasers think is Britain’s best line of defense.
According to Pork, the “British should switch to an exclusively meat diet
to build up as much immunity as possible so that the body will be ready.”
When he asked why the British don’t crack down on immigrants, search their
luggage more carefully, and deport known terrorists he responded rather
sheepishly, “We don’t yet have a Task Force for that.”
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