The Last Crusade
The United States no longer believes there is a political settlement to the
Arab-Israeli conflict., a viewed shared by many governments in the Middle
East.
This calculus was reached after the recent wave of Palestinian suicide
bombings. These bombings have seized the imagination of much of the
civilized world, Europe in particular. The French newspaper Le Monde, long
a supporter of the Arab cause, has substantially increased coverage of the
conflict. For the French intellectual, the suicide bombings represent a
kind of horrific art, and the bombers deconstructed artists. According to
Le Monde (rough translation), “these heroic men and women sacrifice their
lies and become eternal, forever imbedded in the anxious psyche of the
Israeli public. These people project their suffering and imagination in a
way that makes the world shudder with respect.”
These kind of coverage worries the Israeli government because it places the
Palestinians on the artistic high ground. The Israelis fear that the
Palestinians will be encouraged to create designer bombs that on detonation
will project a Pollock-like canvas that will be photographed and replicated
on T-shirts and wall hangings throughout the Arab world. Agents have
already contacted potential suicide bombers to assure them that any
residuals from suicide-related sales after death will go to the family or a
charity of his or her choice--after the usual commission. The French Art
Channel has agreed to film a segment on the making of a suicide bomber
arguing it is art, not terrorism.
Suicide bombers have become cultural icons in the Middle East, replacing
emaciated models and designer coffee as the icon of the moments. The birth
rate is the highest it’s been since 1948. Demographers suggest parents are
having extra children so that they can spare one or two to suicide bombings
and random acts of violence--and still make some money in the process. Some
people worry what will happen when the bounty paid a suicide bomber goes
from $25,000 to $100,000.
The US and Israel fear that the Palestinians will gain through “art
bombings” what they have failed to gain through run-of-the mill terrorist
acts. This concern is heightened because Palestinians, who have such a
miserable earthly existence, place on inordinate emphasis on the
after-life, finding virgins and coated candies in their fantasy Koran. This
is encouraged by the well-fed, over-weight, Saudi leaders, keepers of
Mecca, who live long and opulent lives and read the Koran religiously in
public.
Accordingly, Israel is rethinking its counter-terrorism program. Instead of
stealth military strikes at targets in the West Bank or Gaza, Israel is
considering matching and improving on the Palestinians’ campaign of terror
bombing. In other words, since suicide bombings have apparently gained the
aesthetic and public relations high ground, Israel will improve on the Arab
dynamic. It will launch its own wave of suicide bombers, more remote but no
less deadly, celebrating Israel as the center of technology and cunning.
The Associated Press has obtained a report that outlines the strategy. The
first initiative will be a wave of “Ariel” bomb dolls dropped on the West
Bank and Gaza. The dolls detonate when Arabic or Persian is spoken. After
this the Palestinian-controlled territories will be swamped with
hollowed-out images of the Prophet which explode when pointed towards
Mecca. Arafat bomb figures will also be issued. Nicknamed Janus, they will
detonate when turned in any direction. These explosives will all be
designer bombs guaranteed to reap the most havoc while leaving a vibrant
pattern of human remains in a Star of David pattern.
Given the high drama and artwork created by Arabs and Jews in the Middle
East, Christians are feeling left out. After all, says Jerusalem prelate
Father Constantine, “The Christian religion is based on even more
apocalyptic images of hell than either Islam or Judaism. I think we have
been getting a little soft. Muslims and Jews are showing a violent rebirth
of religious pride and we are still hawking mangers in Nativity Square. We
need to get back to our roots. The Catholic Church was much more vibrant
when we were a warrior religion like Islam and Judaism. In my opinion we
were much better off when the Pope had a standing army rather than the mere
power of moral persuasion.
So what does Constantine suggest as the Church’s new role in the Middle
East?
“Obviously,” he remarked, “there’s a bloodbath going on. As I speak, Jews
and Muslims are waging war at the site of Christ’s birth. Imagine if that
was Mecca! What’s next? An oxen roast on Golgotha? I think it’s time for
Christians to take back the Holy Land and enforce peace at the point of a
sword.
Constantine’s suggestion is for another Children’s Crusade led by
representatives from every Christian sect and sponsored by Coke, “so the
belligerents would know we are serious.”
“At the head of the Crusade would be penitential priests who have been
defrocked for having sex with children. They will wear hair shirts and
chant constantly: “I confess.” This way the Church can get that monkey off
its back while generating some good pr.”
Constantine has little concern about the safety of the children.
“The sponsor will get a release from the parents who will insist on a
military escort by US forces and all the comforts of home. Who’s going to
mess with a million children, drinking Coke, singing ‘We Are the World’,
under the watchful eye of the US military with pencil cameras in their
helmets and enough firepower to blow the whole region to hell.”
“Anyway, there’s so much child slavery in the world this will seem like a
picnic to most, especially forced converts from Muslim lands. Furthermore,
the Crusade will be incorporated and carry heavy “Act of God” insurance.”
“The West will accomplish its goal--a peaceful takeover of the Middle East.
The Catholic Church, which will really be the force behind this effort,
will put Jews and Muslims in their rightful places. Hostilities will
cease.”
“I can think of only one event that will be bigger in Hollywood than
this--a Sponsored Second Coming.”
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