The New, Improved Presidential View of the World.

                                                   Thus Spoke the President
 


Laura Bush gave a speech in Paris recently and no one showed up.

Woody Allen, in Paris at the same time, gave no speech and 10,000 admirers
showed up to listen to the no-event.

France probably meant no slur on the Presidency.  As Le Monde reported,
“When Mrs. Bush has something important to say, we are sure a willing
audience will find her. Until then, few people want to be reminded that God
is good and chidden should not be exploited.”

“Woody Allen is interesting because he really has nothing to say and, like
Major Major Major in Catch-22, schedules important meetings only when he is
out. No wonder the French, fed on existential angst, would find kinship
with the American funny man. After all, France was more of a home to Jerry
Lewis, Charlie Chaplin and the Three Stooges than the US. American policy
makers should be cognizant of their own culture and mindful of what travels
well in France and the rest of Europe.

“Frankly, Europe is tired of the dark and categorical announcements from
the White House covering everything from terrorism to the price of beef. We
beg for a little more subtlety and discretion.”

The French got neither when President Bush spoke in Berlin and referred to
dictators gassing their own people. This was an oblique reference to Saddam
Hussein but the restlessness among the German audience suggested Hitler was
not too far away.

Some Germany papers were furious that President Bush would make such a
reference at this time in Germany when the country has so courageously
faced its past. Der Spiegel, with tongue slightly in cheek, took the other
tact, complementing President Bush for “his candor and wide historical
sweep reminding all Germans and Europeans that the dark underside of
history is never far from the surface. Therefore, we must frequently remind
ourselves of our historical shortcomings.”

Der Spiegel went further and suggested that President Bush should take his
candor to other countries and continents, bringing a “breath of Yankee
fresh air to the rest of the world that is in denial.”

The newspaper continues: “Before he leaves Europe President Bush could ask
in his charming, understated way why Europeans tend to be almost
pathologically pro-Arab and anti-Israel. Israel cannot move without the
full weight of European approbation falling in its shoulders. Bush might
ask Europeans why they are no enamored of regimes that give up their
children to suicide bombings. Why are suicide bombings, especially by
children, considered “cultural chic” while the Israeli response is compared
to the Nazi blitzkrieg?

“When next in Saudi Arabia Bush might ask why almost all the 9/11 hijackers
were Saudi citizens? And why the Saudi regime spends millions of dollars
supporting suicide bombers and hard-core Islamic schools that consider
Americans as infidels. And he might ask the Saudi leaders why the
lifestyles of the 3,000 princes seem so far removed from the “piety”
demanded in the Koran. Americans are very confused by this ostentation.

“After being lectured by Egypt’s President, Mr. Bush might ask why
Christians are being persecuted in his country and why freedom of religion
is non-existent in the Arab world.  President Bush should say that his
neighbors in Crawford, Texas are very suspicious of a religion that would
deny them the right to worship. Moreover, he might ask, given the hatred
and anger in the Muslim world, how the Koran is an improvement on the
Gospels of the New Testament.”

“Bush should ask the same questions in Pakistan. He should also ask why a
woman, raped by a family member, is sentenced to death by stoning.  Bush
should ask in all Muslim countries why women are denied even basic human
rights, such as voting, education, and ownership of property. Is this
really the Prophet’s teaching?

“And Bush should certainly ask the United Nations, that is quick to pounce
on every military response by Israel, why it is not so aggressive with
India where Muslims are being slaughtered by the thousands. He should also
ask the UN why the Kasmir issue has not been put to a vote as mandated by
the organization almost 50 years ago. Good luck to the President in seeking
a response from the UN as to why it has ignored the slaughter of millions
of Africans over the last decade. Better not bring up the question of
black-on-black slavery.

“It would be in equally bad taste for President Bush to remind Europeans
and the world that the US intervened to settle two 20th century conflicts
that were caused by our petty tribalism. Muslims don’t have to know that
the US intervened in Bosnia to save the Muslim minority. Everyone should
know by now that the US has brought a semblance of order to Afghanistan and
asks nothing in return. 

“No, President Bush should avoid the more subtle issues because Americans
don’t understand subtlety and the rest of the world makes a fetish of it.

“The next time Europe begs for a military assist, Bush should send Jerry
Lewis reruns.

“Even Crawford would understand the joke.”