Bologna Boycott
Arab consumers are flexing their muscles. To protest America's support of
Israel, Arabs are turning their backs on Coke, Pepsi, pizza, and
Starbuck's. To prove they are serious suicide bombers are no longer using
Coke cans to conceal their deadly explosives. Instead, they are using cans
from the Bin Laden syrup company which has not escaped the notice of
Israeli security agents. Apparently these cans are based on second-class
Arab technology and tend to leak. The result is that the bomber usually
blows up his family as well as any Israelis in range. This is
called "lighting the fuse backwards." Arafat announced that "compulsive
martyrdom is a blessed path to paradise." He said this while hunkered down
deep inside a bunker in Ramallah.
The Saudi royal family responded by doubling the amount paid to survivors
of the suicide bombers. The Saudis have also invested heavily in technical
schools so Arabs can make a can that doesn't leak. Prince Abdullah reminds
reporters that Arabs invented the binary system and would have its share of
Bill Gates if it weren't for Western oppression. The prince thinks the
biggest mistake made by Renaissance thinkers was to ignore the important
ontological questions: "how many angels dance on the head of a
pin." Muslim mullahs apparently still mull over the matter.
Nonetheless, the princes continue to drink liters of Pepsi and Coke. To
lessen the sting, they face in the direction of Mecca during this
consumption. If anyone objects, he risks having his tongue cut out.
Despite this royal duplicity, the boycott continues. To date, except for an
explosion at a KFC in Lebanon, the boycott has been relatively peaceful.
This pleases the American companies who simply slash prices and make
donations to popular Muslim charities. In fact, Coke has had to defend
itself against charges that it unwittingly is donating money to terrorist
organizations. Pepsi has not ingratiated itself to local Muslims by
claiming the drink "is the best path to paradise."
Even though most American companies are willing to let the market sort this
out under the Middle East sun, there are rumblings about a counter boycott
of Arab products. Some gas stations in New York have already posted signs
that state the gasoline "Is not from Saudi Arabia," which is as convincing
as the claim by British butchers that their meat was mad cow free.
Still, economists worry that what started as a joke could become a real
serious threat. This is the reason the US is investing so much in oil field
in the former Soviet Union. Policy makers know that Americans are highly
suspicious of Saudi Arabia and by a large majority support a military
takeover of the Saudi oil fields.
In the meantime New Yorkers have begun the painful task of boycotting
Lebanese bologna. Syrian black bread is also on the list. If the boycott
against American products continues, all Middle Eastern restaurants in New
York will be off-limits and splashed with the blood of the lamb.
If the Arab per capita consumption of Coke drops so low that the company's
share price is affected, American will be obliged to take stringent action.
It will significantly reduce immigration from Saudi Arabia.
If the Coke share price drops below the price prior to 9/11, the US will
prevent all Arab terrorists from legally entering the United States.
If Coke is forced to withdraw from the Arab market, the US will immediately
deport all of Bin Laden's extended family.
American marketers are hopeful the government won't have to take such
extreme measures. And Arab consumers might be tiring of the boycott.
Coke-alternatives have caused lockjaw and diarhea in hundreds of consumers.
The Arafatty potato chip -- the West Bank's answer to Pringles -- gives
people a turnip shape, which creates difficulties for suicide bombers. The
chips also tend to blow up when in contact with bad teeth.
Arab science is that subtle.
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