Bones of Contention
An Anglican minister in Wicked Bend, England intends to bury disinterred
Anglo Saxons skeletons with the full pomp and circumstance of Her Majesty’s
Church. That is, if he can find a sponsor. He is asking from interested
parties the equivalent of $1,000 each to put the 100 sets of skeletal
remains back in the ground. “Unfortunately, that is the cost of burial in
the 21st century,” explains the Right Reverend Miles Standing, minister to
a congregation of twelve. “Obviously, we have to go outside our immediate
circle, which is small and mainly widowed pensioners.”
A local evangelical Catholic Church, founded by immigrants from North
Africa smuggled through Spain and past the watchful eyes of the French, he
offered to sponsor a dozen or more burials but insists the service be
according to Roman Catholic rites, conducted in Spanish by an evangelical
minister from Monterey. Self-appointed evangelical pastor Miguel Miguel,
who can’t give his real name because he is an illegal immigrant, says
through an interpreter that “We are on God’s mission to re-evangelize the
UK, which has come under the grips of materialism . We think it a good
start to our work if we bury the heathen Saxon bones and give them all the
Blessed Sacraments, Baptism to Extreme Unction, at the time of burial. Not
only is this more efficient, it probably gives them a better chance to pass
through Purgatory quickly and into heaven. The reason we want the service
in Spanish is that we think Spanish is fast becoming the first language of
the Holy of Holies.
The Reverend Standing is pleased with the response to date and at the end
of the day, if there is enough money on the table, he is willing to
compromise. “After all, he adds, we are all children of God. I am most
interested in a respectful burial of our ancestors and, if the church has a
little money left over to fix the roof, then God will bless us even more.”
The Saxon Society (the SS) has gone to court to seek an injunction against
the Reverend Standing burying the Saxons in a manner “that is inconsistent
with the way they lived and what they believed. These were not children of
Christ and we shouldn’t burden their souls with a post-mortem Christian
burial in a language they would not understand. We ask the court’s
indulgence to stay the Standing burial until the SS has enough time to
raise the necessary funds from the SS worldwide. After all, there is no
urgency in the burial and there is no health risk. The Right Reverend
Standing seems more interested in a fund raiser than a proper burial. We
seek a judicious court decision because, God knows, there are a lot of
Saxon skeletons just below the surface in Britain. We don’t want their
bones to replace bingo and the Saturday bazaar as fund-raisers.”
While the sitting judge in Wicked Bend adjudicates the issue, which could
take some time because he is interviewing professors from Oxford
University, other interested parties have joined the Standing fray. The
North London Muslim Society has offered to pay for the “reburial of our
brother Saxons who always faced West when praying and lived with maximum
piety. There is evidence that Britain might have been a Muslim nation if
the Norman French had not invaded in 1066. Islamic scholars suggest the
Norman French had little interest in Britain per se, which they considered
a national of shopkeepers. Rather they were interested in preventing the
spread of Islam. This is a very complicated matter. We know that the
British soldiers brought human bones back from the religious wars in Europe
to serve as calcium fertilizer for their farms. Obviously, the bones
included those of our Muslim brothers. So Muslims, in effect, have been
feeding Britain for some time. So we all have Muslim soul and spirit in of
us. We think in the interest of religious tolerance, multiculturalism, and
a recognition of the Third Great Monotheistic Religion which takes the best
of Judaism and Christianity, the Right Reverend Standing should accept our
generous offer, guaranteed by the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, to bury our
Saxon brothers. Moreover, the Crown Prince has offered to pay for the
burial of all proven Saxon remains, up to one million.”
Reverend Standing finds himself sitting in the middle of a burgeoning
religious war. The Anglican Church of England has declared that “Any
reburial of Saxons remains must be done in accordance with Her Majesty’s
wishes and existing regulations. The Church cannot be a passive witness to
the rewriting of history to satisfy, however well-intentioned, communities
that are driven by political-correctness, rather than respect for the laws,
customs and culture of a host nation.”
The Muslim community in the UK has reacted with considerable anger,
claiming the “Church of England does itself a disservice for dismissing
out-of-hand the Crown Prince’s generous offer. We are reluctant to point
out that the Church of England, for all its history, is a dying
institution, with membership on the decline. On the other hand the Muslim
community is growing at a rapid rate. The Church should be cognizant of
this demographic fact. We remain open to compromise and hope the good court
takes our pious views into consideration.”
The Evangelical Catholic Church has taken a softer line, claiming any
affront to the organization will mean more illegal immigrants will find
their way to Britain to correct this wrong.
While the nation waits the court’s decision, the World Court in the Hague
has given, in perpetuity, European citizenship to the Saxon remains,
meaning they can be reburied anywhere in the European Union they desire.
Not surprisingly, EU lawyers are making themselves available to thousands
of churches in Britain where Saxon remains might reside. Apparently, even
the dead have rights.
Suddenly, bonafide Saxon bones, fully blessed, have begun appearing at
street fairs and bazaars. The “rag and bone” man, an institution in
Britain, is popular again, making the rounds of villages, collecting
authentic bones. Newspaper classifieds offer Saxon bones by the hundred
weight. Authorities remind consumers to exercise caution because some of
the sampled bone supplies contain remains of pets and museum displays.
The Right Reverend Standing is in no hurry to resolve this issue. Church
attendance is up and so are donations. Standing is thinking of turning
most of the church into a museum, displaying the Saxon remains. He is
considering making bronze casts of the remains, so people can make a wax
impression, for a price, and frame for display at home. “It is important to
have daily reminders of the dead in our homes,” he intones. “Remember, dust
to dust and all that.”
Some of his Anglican associates have brought a class-action suit against
Standing for desecration of and profiting from the dead. The Right Reverend
seems unconcerned. He has a movie in the works about how contaminated bones
from European religious wars, returned to Britain by soldiers, is the cause
of mad cow disease.
Is he claiming mad cow disease was caused by the bones of men carrying the
“wrong” religion? Should we consider mad cow disease God’s curse because
the religious wars did not end with any finality?
“You’ll have to wait for the book,” Standing remarks. “As God is my
witness, I am not going to write a cheap religious thriller just to fix the
roof and line my pockets.”
The book, “Sacred Cows and Other Infidels,” will be available shortly at
the Wicked End church sacristy.
A Finsbury Park Mosque spokesman observed, “Standing should remember
“Satanic Verses.”
The New Scotland Yard has become involved because the so-called
“shoe-bomber” came form the same mosque.
Standing, surrounded by armed bodyguards, delivers his sermons to a packed
church.
“The work of God is neither easy nor cheap,” he told his congregation.
Complete sermons are available in the church sacristy for three pounds
sterling.
Ten percent of revenues go to the SS.
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