Canada is Finally Getting the Attention of its Neighbor to the South.

                                                        Oh Canada


“Oh Canada” is no longer an anthem that prompts Vancouver Canucks hockey
fans to click their heels,  hoist their Molsens and wonder whether Winston
Churchill was right in thinking Canada should have remained part of the
British Empire. The refrain is also a lament increasingly heard in
Washington DC about Canada’s inability and perhaps refusal to join fully
with its large neighbor to the south in combating terrorism, restricting
illegal immigration, and assuming the fair share of the military
responsibility to protect the vast--and increasingly vulnerable--frozen
north.

For most of its recent history, Canada was simply “there” for its cousins
to the south, a place where people talk little funny and put up with the
renegade province of Quebec that wants to be part of France and  insists
that every high-paying American tourist learn the rudiments of French to be
served without waiter bile in a Four-Star restaurant  Fewer people know
where Vancouver is than Iraq. As David Letterman quipped, “the only way
people will take notice of Canada if America were to invade it.” This is no
longer a joke in some US government circles, particularly those who see the
vast frozen tundra as a giant oil well.

Canada got considerable bad press for allegedly permitting 9/11 terrorists
into the US. While there is little truth in this allegation, the charge has
somehow stuck and Canada has been fighting a defensive battle ever since.
There is considerably more truth in the allegation that Canada is an easy
mark for illegal immigrants. For the last twenty years Canada has moved
money from its defense budget and  created a large “Immigrant Services”
Department that has more civil servants that the country has men and women
in its standing army. The objective is quite simple: Canada is fast losing
its young population to the US and must stabilize and increase its
population through immigration--even illegal immigration. Outside of France
no country in the world is as easy to enter on the ground of religious,
personal, or political persecution. A simple claim of “fearing for one’s
life or an economic downturn” is sufficient to become a temporary resident
which almost always becomes permanent status unless an individual is
convicted of multiple felonies. So Canada has a vital and vested interest
in looking the other way regarding the background and status of its
immigrants. 

If Canada would admit immigrants and keep them under scrutiny, the US might
be satisfied. The allegation--not easy to prove--is that Canada lets anyone
in the country and lets them slip over the border into the states for
terrorist activities. What is not subject to argument is that Canada’s
armed forces have been seriously depleted. The “peace dividend” has gone
almost exclusively into regenerating the population through immigration.
Indeed, the heralded Canadian Mounted Police, the traditional first line of
defense, is so deep in debt that the officers get their uniforms from the
Salvation Army. The force’s horses have been generously donated by
Budweiser which is trying to expand market share in Canada (the horses,
however, with little experience other than making holiday beer commercials,
do not easily adjust to the high-mileage days required by the Mounted
Police).  More to the point, few young men are interested anymore in
joining the Mounted Police, electing to join the US Marines where equipment
is available and reliable.

Concerned as it is about the one hundred or so, ill-equipped Mounted Police
who must patrol a formidable 3,000 mile border with the US--without dogs--,
the US government is more concerned about the state of Canada’s armed
forces. Internal Pentagon documents puts Canada’s ability to defend itself
on par with Monaco, except the latter has more firepower due to the
thousands of casino guards. Canada has three frigates obtained in a reverse
lend-lease agreement with Britain. It has half-a-dozen Vietnam era
helicopters and no fighter jets. Civilian airliners in Canada have the
youngest pilots of any fleet because the men and women were mustered out of
the air force because there were no planes to fly. The standing army,
numbering only a few thousand, is large enough to put out a medium-size
forest fire.  When their are no forest fires the army spends its times
making ice sculptures and igloos for tourists. 

Canada’s official position is that its security is consistent with the
external threat. The US, however, is increasingly dissatisfied with this
response. Unofficially, Pentagon sources claims that Canada “has gone soft
like many of European countries. Because of its population needs the
country is letting anyone in, including a fair number of people from Muslim
countries who are on our watch list. It is shocking to us how many people
have immigrated from Yemen, Syria, and Pakistan since 9/11, almost with
impunity.”

The Pentagon fears a terrorist staging  ground to the north where such
activities would largely go unnoticed due to Canada’s vastness and its
minimal policing. For these reasons the Pentagon is secretly planning for
“terrorist interdictions” in Canada, with or without permission of the
Canadian government. These reports, immediately denied by the Pentagon, has
caused an uproar in Canada, Britain, France, and elsewhere (Mexico has been
quiet because, insiders say, the government would welcome less US attention
to its southern border). Canada has issued a statement that “an US
interdiction would be against international law and current treaties. We
urge the US to categorically deny this intent and request the United
Nations take up this issue immediately. Until this matter is resolved we
must restrict visitors from the US.”

Canada’s tourism industry immediately denounced the government’s position,
arguing that “American dollars are the lifeblood of our industry. We urge
the government to avoid grandstanding and resolve this issue
diplomatically.”

Privately, the Pentagon is standing firm, stating that “we have the right
to attack terrorist bases if they threaten us. We want the world to know
that we can conduct full-scale wars in Iraq, Korea, and the Taiwan
Straights. We can continue our peace-keeping in Afghanistan, subdue tribal
war-lords in Yemen, make forays into Pakistan, and seize Saudi oil wells if
necessary. In this context we could take out Canadian terrorists in a
weekend with the National Guard.”

Furious with Washington bombast Canada has requested assistance from the
French Foreign Legion to help thwart ony cross-borders excursions by
Americans. France has offered Canada a mutual-agression treaty: any attack
on Canada would be an attack on France and thereby engage the full force of
NATO. Senegal and Cameroon have offered miltary assistance to France. Iraq
and Iran, long allied to France, have also offered assistance.

To reduce international tensions and growing anti-Americanism, the Bush
Administration has offered “full use of American airlift capabilities to
bring men and equipment to Canada. If Canada goes to war, we don’t want to
it be a long, drawn-out affair.”